Well, it’s still a few weeks till season 5 of Stargate Atlantis starts, but in the meantime, enjoy Sheppard and McKay’s new exciting adventure! No, I’m not ripping off any movies. It’s an ‘homage’ *cough* …. Rating: PG-13 (for one or two inappropriate words). Bunch of photos, so may take a while to load.
As usual, the guys are enjoying a break from the usual Wraith attacking the base, fights in the Mess when the last of the Fritos is gone and tempers flare cuz the Daedalus isn’t resupplying for at least three weeks, and of course, missions that go terribly wrong (which usually happen every Friday around 10:00 p.m. ET).
But they’re sent on another mission to investigate a yet another thing the Ancients left behind. Of course, it’s on a planet with awful big plants they must plow through.
Sheppard: “Doesn’t this remind you of Jurassic Park?”
McKay: “I swear, you’ve got a movie analogy for every situation.”
Sheppard: “Think I heard something…”
The guys escape from the big monster lizard, using a conveniently located rope bridge (which is not, repeat, NOT, a clothesline; all alien rope bridges look like clotheslines). However, the planet has more wildlife with which to contend…
McKay: “Sheppard! HELP!”
Sheppard: “Wait, wait, hold that pose. Let me get a camera. Elizabeth will never believe it.”
After they promised some glossy 8x10s as well as some wallet-sized photos to the Godzilla monster, it let them go. Now, to complete their mission: which is to discover what lies in the hole beneath the humongous tangled roots.
Since McKay is claustrophobic, Sheppard of course will slither down into the deep, dark, forbidding hole while McKay holds the rope. Doesn’t this sound like a disaster in the making??
Gratuitous ass shot.
Regrettably, they have stumbled upon yet another failed experiment that the Ancients just left lying around to cause havoc.
Giant Evil Cat: “Meow! Crunchy kitty snack!”
Sheppard: “McKay, GET ME OUT OF HERE!! NOW!!!”
McKay: “Did you say something? Wait, wait, was that buzzing in my ear a mosquito? Ohmygod, there are mosquitoes on this planet. I’m going to get an alien version of West Nile Virus! Malaria!”
Fortunately McKay was in such haste to escape the imaginary disease-laden mosquitoes that he yanked Sheppard out of the hole before he could be seriously damaged by the huge cat (much to the dismay of Shep whumpers). Alas, missed the shot of Sheppard smacking McKay upside the head for the delay in hauling his ass out of the feline den from hell.
But, they are caught by an alien snake (of the genus Plasticitisgardeianhosis)
McKay: “HELP! I’m being smothered!”
Sheppard: “Busy here.”
Escaping the succession of reptiles, they find what looks like an entrance to an alien cave of some sort (sorta like that really bad classic Star Trek episode with Vaal).
Sheppard eyes the stick: “Looks like a trap.”
McKay: “Everything looks like a trap to you military types! (ignoring the stick) I’m checking it out. That looks like a ju-ju-bee hidden in one tooth. I’m hungry!”
McKay: “ARGH! Help!”
Sheppard snickers: “Told ya.”
But yes, it was a trap! Suddenly, during the commercial break, our heroes find themselves tied to a stake!
McKay: “Great. We’re surrounded by coals. Oh no. We’re going to be burned at the stake!
Sheppard: “I don’t think these are coals, Rodney.”
But they hear a very odd noise. Oh oh. Their captor approaches.
A really weird-looking alien shows up and declares that they have trespassed into sacred territory, blah-blah-blah, so of course, they must be sacrificed to a hideously evil creature.
The creature appears out of nowhere, at which point Sheppard realizes that the ‘coals’ are actually nuts or something very edible.
McKay: “Great. When it’s done with those, it’ll eat us! Why didn’t you bring your gun!?”
Sheppard: “Um, it’s still stuck in plastic packaging, last I saw.”
Sheppard realizes just where the hideously giant beast is staring.
Sheppard: “Whoa! Whoa! Those are NOT the nuts you’re looking for!”
McKay: “Gee, Kirk, even the alien monsters are female and after your—“
Sheppard: “Shut up, McKay.”
But before their argument can descend into digs about Sheppard and his Kirk-like tendancies…
McKay: “Wait. Did you hear that?”
McKay: “That clicking noise. Hey, look over there!”
Sheppard: “Hey, you! With the camera! Untie us!”
Our intrepid heroes discover it’s not that easy.
Sheppard: “What do you mean we have to do ‘something’ in return?”
McKay: “Oh god, we’re going to be sold into slavery, aren’t we? I’ve seen that fanfic! I don’t want to be in a toga!”
Sheppard: “As long as I don’t have to look at you in a toga … We agree.”
Yet the terms for their rescue is more horrible than they had imagined.
Sheppard: “This is worse than seeing you in a toga, Rodney.”
McKay: “I’m never talking to you again. This is soooo embarrassing. ”
Sheppard: “Just shut up and make the duck squeak! They said they’d let us go if we did that…”
Will our heroes get the duck to talk, or are they doomed to linger in the suds?
Tune in next week for As the Stargate Turns….
Special guest star: Ian the cat, the Noid (and only folks over a certain age will probably recognize that very annoying character from a TV ad), Godzilla and Zombie Bambi.
This week's outlandish parody is dedicated to the person who made such a wonderful action figure parody that I went out and bought my own. So, for better or worse, this parody's for you,