Once again, massive spoilers have been leaked for Stargate Atlantis, and below the cut you will find an incredible misinterpretation of all the facts, as well, since we don’t have ‘em all, eh, why bother with sorting out the truth?
So, without further ado:
Stargate Atlantis #502: THE SEED
Because the team spent so much time on alien planets and hive spaceships, they decide to relax putzing about the innards of Atlantis. What could go wrong?
Some scientists decide to go for a bit of exploration.
They bring along Teyla, who keeps trying to shoot one scientist anytime the other scientists mention his name: Mike.
And whoa, hey, they find some mysterious stuff. It’s a seed, so Keller of course sticks in in water. Presto chango – it turns into a tantalizing goo. Keller, not being gifted with the common sense of the docs on E.R. or even Doogie Howzer, sticks her hand in the gooey substance.
Keller: “Wow, I wonder if this is alien hair product? I think I’ll try it!”
Meanwhile, in another part of Atlantis, McKay is having fun pushing all of Woolsey’s buttons.
McKay: “Hey, you shine a light on it, it could be a rescue beacon.”
Woolsey: “My head is NOT shiny!”
McKay: “Sorry, you’re mooning us all with that pale imitation of the bright side of the moon. Can I order a pair of sunglasses? Raybans, maybe, like Caruso on CSI: Miami. He makes it look cool.”
Keller realizes that, oops, the goo wasn’t hair product. One quick application and she’s sealed to the tabletop and it’s spreading faster than groupies massing at a Hannah Montana concert.
Keller (in a whiny loud voice): “HELP!”
Woolsey, horrified that the doctor is now off-limits due to a regrettable alien infestation on which he did NOT get the memo, quickly thaws out Beckett to handle his problem.
Woolsey: “You’re all right, right?”
Beckett: “I feel great. I am hungry thought. I have this overwhelming desire for fishsticks, oddly enough.”
Woolsey decides to keep quiet about the frozen food stash he hid in the stasis chamber.
Woolsey: “You have to help me!”
Beckett: “You mean about Jennifer? Ah, poor lass. Of course I’ll help save the day!”
Woolsey: “Not that. My shiny pate! I can’t command with McKay constantly harassing me about it!”
Becktett: “Ach, now that’s a difficult problem to solve. Have you tried concealing powder?”
And soon the deleterious effects of the alien seed-produced goo exert their nasty effects…
Ronon: “You know, McKay warned him not to touch that gooey stuff.”
Beckett: “Ah, so things haven’t changed a bit since I was in the freezer section?”
Ronon: “Nope. He thought the goo was hair gel.”
Sheppard is having an awful nightmare, shaking and seizing. Just… just hideous beyond all words. Fortunately, due to the miracle of modern science, we can delve inside his mind and witness the horrors he is experiencing. And you really need to watch it, as it does help with the plot ;)
So Beckett, having more common sense than his successor, dons a hazmat suit to study the alien goo glop which has Sheppard seizing and chattering “cha-cha-chia” ad naseum to the point the nurses are wearing earplugs. However, he could use an addition sample, so he sends Ronon off to imminent doom to collection a sample.
Ronon thinks this will be simple. It’s no different than that hive ship he was stuck on once that had a weed problem.
Ah ha, he finds Keller.
But unfortunately, Ronon’s dreads got just a little too close to the goo and it glops on to him and sucks him into the wall. He must fight the overwhelming desire to utter “ch-ch-chia.”
And Keller realizes she’s doomed, just doomed. No wait, maybe she can take this time to learn more about medicine and not letting badly injured colonels just run off after being impaled to go rescue team members. Nah. Instead, she thinks how if she's gonna die horribly, at least her hair will look good. After all, the good is a goo hair product :)
And that’s it for this week’s installment.! Stay turned for the conclusion next week, which will no doubt be pre-empted for a special episode of Scare Tactics ;)