The wraith are plotting.
Queen: "My spies tell me that some pesky Lanteans are skulking about. Find them and bring them to me!"
The Male Wraith (hereinafter referred to as Leo) ponders a moment.
The Queen clenches her teeth and inwardly sighs. The dialogue just hasn't been so hot since the writer's strike earlier in the year.
Queen: "Yes, skulk, as in to lurk, slither amongst the shadows. Just go find those Lanteans and yes, you may torture them for untold secrets."
The Male Wraith practically dances with glee.I mean, can't you see it in his expression? No? Well, look harder!
The Wraith decides to enlist some help, so finds some extremely pale (and alas, not at all edible) aliens loitering around.
Leo: "You three! You will help me capture the Lanteans!"
ALien 1 (Fred): "Huh?"
ALien #2 (Frank): "What?"
ALien #3 (Bob): "Us?"
Leo: "Yes, do it or die horribly!"
The three aliens shut off the lights for secrecy, and to show off that they can do day-glo (in the hopes that they can get better employment opportunities at a disco or something)
Bob: "What do you think?"
Fred: "Well, the X-Files movie didn't do so hot, and SciFi just does Ghost Hunters crap. No more alien stuff."
Frank: "Hmm, capturing some stupid Lanteans might look good on our resume."
Bob: "Well, we'll figure out payment."
And because the plot dictates it (and the whumpers woudn't have it any other way), our gang falls afoul the highly technical alien traps.
Sheppard: "Rats! I mean, what the heck, is this a giant mouse trap? I told you not to touch it!"
But Rodney isn't listening, his mind set on the giant sized Life Savers Gummi candies that lured them into this diabolical mess.
McKay: "Mine! All mine!"
Leo cackles away!
Leo: "Fools! You Lanteans are so predictable!"
Sheppard: "Nah, then McKay would have been caught with a cup of coffee in the trap."
Released from the traps, our intrepid duo find themselves bound tightly in chew-proof, cut-proof, but easy to peel off wood, wraith bonding, er, tape.
McKay: "I'm Canadian! See my flag! I demand to call my embassy!"
McKay: "So, is that the hired help? Hey, those are my gummis!"
Leo: "Sorry, but my friends required payment."
McKay: "What, couldn't afford any of your big bulky dumb silent type wraith drones?"
Leo: (snarls) "They're on back-order! Silence! No, wait, let the torture begin."
Sheppard: "Thanks a lot, Rodney."
Leo has his minions tie Sheppard down as he plots his torture.
Leo: "You will talk."
Leo: "Oh, but you will, and my little friend will help persuade you."
George, the hideously giant alien slug, checks out Sheppard.
George: "Burp." (translates: tastes good, less filling)
Sheppard resists the urge to shudder, but his mind is racing at a mile a minute. Not the hair, don't ooze over teh hair!!
Sheppard tries NOT to think about how this awful gastropod is leaving a trail of icky gooey slime all across his body, so he preoccupies himself by thinking about the number 'pi' and how many digits it goes to and ohmygod is this slug never going to stop crawling over me! ARGH!
And Sheppard does not talk, much to Leo's consternation, so he moves onto the next target.
McKay: "Not the family jewels! NOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! Get it off! !!!"
Leo can't stand McKay's non-stop shrill WHINING so he sics George onto Rodney, which silences the geeky scientist.
In something that has NEVER before happened in history, Rodney is rendered speechless (probably cuz he doesn't want to inhale slug goo).
And during commercial break, a team of manly Marines rescue our poor tortured guys.
Rodney is just staring into space, while blobs of space slug goo are evident on his chest.
Alas, poor Sheppard is no better. He's practically catatonic, having been whumped seriously (I'm sure he's got nasty bruises under the vicious blue wraith tape).
Back at Atlantis, our boys are put through intense decontanimation.
The guys find themselves safely back at Atlantis, snuggled in a white infirmary blanket, while they recover from their incredibly traumatic experience.
Weir: "Are you both all right? Should I get Carson?"
McKay: "Hello? He's an action figure they're thinking about! We'll be dead and buried before we get Carson here."
Sheppard: "He's a bit rattled. He doesn't deal well with slugs."
McKay: "Oh yeah, all you were mutternig about was 'Not the hair, not the hair.' I heard you." He stares at Weir. "Elizabeth, why are you sitting in a giant clam shell?"
Weir: "It's the new decor. We lost a lot of furniture in the last wraith attack so we dug these out of the ocean. They do go with the Atlantis motif, and make great ashtrays too."
The guys wonder if the slug slime has melted their brains.
Sheppard: "Rodney, uh, what ARE you doing?"
McKay: "Nothing. I'm doing nothing," he blurts hysterically.
McKay: "So, I need a little comfort and reassurance after being nearly suffocated, no, asphyxiated, well, BOTH, by a slug! I'm so traumatized I'm never going to be able to eat escargot again!"
Weir think she should offer Sheppard some comfort since he doesn't have a king-sized rubber ducky of his own.
Sheppard decides to destress with the Man in Black - Johnny Cash - and gets out his supersized CD and iPod.
Meanwhile, McKay turns to the only one on Atlantis who truly understands him.
Dave the Dalek: "Exterminate!"
McKay: "Yes! Did you get the jumbo shaker of salt? I want that slug dead!"
McKay:"I'll take that as a yes. .... Um, you want to snuggle?"
Disclaimer: No slugs were harmed in the production of this parody. George, the leopard slug, was fed a tomato, then released back int othe wild (hopefully to eat more slugs and keep the patio birdpoop free).
And, for those who just want MORE, watch the slug attack videos below. ooh, WHEN SLUGS ATTACK! Sounds like a Fox channel show ;)