And we now return for the exciting, startling conclusion of THE LOST TRIBE. When we last saw our heroes, Todd the handsome Wraith had taken control of the spaceship Daedalus. And now, he makes his heinous demands!
Todd: “I can hardly contain myself. We’re getting married! Dick said yes!”
Zelenka: “What the f***??”
Woolsey: “I expect high-quality gifts. None of that Wraith-Wally-World junk, remember that, Sheppard!”
Chuck: “Wow, I knew Woolsey was lonely, but…”
Sheppard just grinds his teeth. He can’t believe it! Todd had been leading him on all that time and, and-- he was dumped for … Woolsey! The bastard!
Zelenka: “I know that look, colonel. Mr. Woosley will not stand for a junky wedding gift.”
Sheppard: “You know that it’s gonna take us HOURS to get to the nearest planet for a decent gift. And I wouldn’t even bother but my annual review is coming up.”
Teyla decides to stay quiet. Ignorance is bliss….
And the communications lady just shakes her head,when she sees that the colonel is dragooning Zelenka into the gift search.
Meanwhile, the news spreads like wildfire of the shocking upcoming nuptials as well as their role in the wedding.
Keller: “Just great. Marvelous. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride.”
Rodney: “Jackson’s the best man? Why not ME?”
Sheppard: “Because you don’t know how to throw a bachelor party.”
Daniel (quickly seeing an out): “If you really want to—“
Rodney: “Sure. No, wait. You’re trying to trick me.”
Todd is enjoying his newfound position.
Todd: “Open hailing frequencies! Warp speed ahead!”
Flunky #1: “Warp what?”
Todd: “Never mind. Tell the Lanteans they have, oh, three hours to come up with gifts for the wedding or else we will, hmm, blow up the city.”
Flunky #2: “We will? Which button do I push?”
Todd decides that maybe Woolsey-kins was right. They should register for the wedding and put ‘instruction manual for Daedalus’ at the top of the list.
Chuck (to Sheppard): “Sir, it’s rather late at night and well, the nearest Wraith-Wally-World is closed.”
But since when does Sheppard obey orders? He’s got a history of disobeying orders and figures, eh, what Woolsey doesn’t know, won’t kill him, plus, they just got all the walls repainted from the last attack on the city and damned if he’s going to help McKay hang framed diplomas again so they’re perfectly level. That’s two hours of his life he’s never gonna get back.
Temporary hottie co-pilot: “Wraith Wally World dead ahead, sir.”
Sheppard wonders just what he should get Todd (grrrr) for the wedding.. a tea set, or a vial of Hoffan anti-wraith virus in an aftershave bottle? Hmm, decisions, decisions.
Sheppard leads his team on a search and destroy, er, find and leave an IOU (maybe) for a wedding gift for Woolsey and, grrr, Todd. Yeah, a Chia pet stuffed with C4 sounds perfect….
Meanwhile, in another part of Wraith Wally World….
Daniel is trying to make a selection of goodies for the party, while Rodney ponders why his fellow geek isn’t losing his hair like him and Zelenka. Maybe it’s something in the Pegasus Galaxy…
Daniel instructs Rodney on the ways of bachelor parties.
Daniel: “First, make sure no one has a camera, or else it will all end up on YouTube and you’ll never get a Nobel Prize.”
McKay: “But I could sell the video and make millions, right? Sex tapes sell.”
Yes, Daniel has scored the rare Birdwrigthian pickled egg. They’re 200% proof, which means whatever happens at the party, no one will remember, so he can quickly escape the festivities while everybody else gets totally plastered.
But oops, Daniel is caught by one of Wraith Wally World’s dedicated rent-a-guards.
In another part of the giganormous discount complex, Ronon and Keller are prying open doors looking for good gifts, unaware of Sheppard’s new decision to just grab something off the cheap shelves in the sale section.
After Ronon breaks another fingernail trying to pry open a door, he goes nuts, blasting open the door. Or, maybe he’s just blow-drying his hair. Hard to tell.
Alas, they just find dead Wraith, victims of the last white sale where things just got REALLY ugly…
Ronon: “We’re screwed.”
Keller: “But I’m dating Rodney. I mean, um, umm…”
And in one of those never-before-seen-moments in a TV show, one of the rent-a-guards actually is paying attention to the security cameras. Whoa! Intruders. But they’re foolish intruders, so if they set off any booby-traps, at least nothing of value will be destroyed. They’re in the bargain basement area so any destroyed merchandise can be written off on their tax returns.
Insert off-screen KABOOM, with shrieks, screams, etc. followed by several minutes of deathly boring ads for pharmaceuticals you’ll never use because you’re not the correct demographic…
Teyla: “John, are you all right?”
Sheppard: “Whoa, when they said ‘do not remove label under penalty of law,’ they sure weren’t kidding.”
Zelenka (on floor): “Ugh, I have glass embedded in my back. I’ve been… how do they say it? Whumped, yes, I’ve been whumped. Help.”
Will Zelenka be helped, or will he just lie there on the floor while blood leaks copiously from the multitude of lacerations, and is Sheppard really okay, or did he get a subdural hematoma from being smacked in the head from hitting the floor after being knocked for a loop by the explosion?
Oh wait, sorry, dog needs to go out so the story must end here. In the meantime, you can ponder just why Sheppard removed the tag… ;) And oh yeah, whatever became of Daniel, and just where did Rodney get to???