Darn. Stargate Atlantis is done. No more new episodes. Waaah! But, wait, no, it can live on in future episodes online. Yes! Okay, don’t have the budget of Sci Fi, but I can spin out continuity errors and bad dialogue just like the pros. Does it need a disclaimer? Why not… contains incredible special effects, award-winning dialogue, incredible NEW villains – yeah, who needs the stale old Wraith when you can have THESE guys! So, without further ado, another segment of Stargate Atlantis Action Figure Theater!
Oh yes, this has a lot of graphics, so it may time to load if you don’t have a cable modem…
Phew, the Stargate Atlantis gang have had quite a week, haven’t they?. Attack by the Wraith with a supersized Wraith hive, and all sorts of bad things, but luckily, it all worked out in the end and now they’re back on Atlantis in the Pegasus Galaxy. You see, that side trip to Earth - to save Earth - didn’t last long. Nope. When the city landed - not so gently, in the water just outside the Golden Gate Bridge - well, let’s say the resulting wave swell did some damage. Pending lawsuits for damaged cars, buildings, drowned pigeons and the like, plus the E.P.A. got after them for jettisoning some garbage over the side. Just an all around bad situation.
But, they could deal with that if they could deal with Wraith, but then the final blow came: they found out they had to pay TAXES on what they earned cuz they were back on Earth.! Screw that! Back to the Pegasus Galaxy with no city, state or local taxes. Okay, so aliens suck the life out of you, but the medical is free.
An odd looking item has come through the gate from the Alpha site.
Weir: “John, do you have any idea what this is?”
Sheppard: “Paperweight? … Giant paperweight?”
Yeah, it does look like one, but nah, this is a science fiction show. It’s an alien doohickey thingamabob that portends nothing but heinous evil for our gang. Right? Well, we can hope it is.
Sheppard: “Too bad McKay is busy with some urgent science project.”
Weir: “He’s cataloging his collection of Twinkies.”
Sheppard raises an eyebrow at that mention. He’ll have to raid the scientist’s lab. “Hey, it’s starting to glow.”
Sheppard leans in closer. “Oh wow.”
Weir is concerned (off-screen): “John, are you all right?”
Sheppard is enraptured by the object: “Look at the pretty.”
There is a brilliant explosion of light!
And our heroes are knocked unconscious, leaving the city open to all sorts of nefarious alien invaders. Eegads!
And the aliens do indeed swarm into the gateroom, the unconscious humans helpless to stop them. The leader of the scary evil aliens crawls up Sheppard and studies him. “Yes!” It cries. “This is the one! The destroyer!”
Sheppard wakes up with a miserable headache. “Oh wow, must have been some party. Wait, why am I tied up? It wasn’t that kind of party, was it?”
Nah, couldn’t have been that kind of party. He’s still got his clothes on.
The evil aliens make a sudden appearance.
Sheppard stares at them. “What the hell is going on? Who the hell are you?”
“We are your doom!” the pack of evil aliens squawk in unison.
Sheppard winces. Ack, that really cuts through the headache.
The evil alien leader scales a conveniently handy pedastal to make his speech.
Evil leader: “We are the Mallowans. You are here on trial for your odious actions!”
Sheppard grumbles. “NOW what? We’ve never met you before although you look oddly familiar. Oh wait, July 4th. Um, never mind.”
The Evil Alien Leader glares at Sheppard. “You killed our leader!”
Sheppard: “No we didn’t. I don’t know who your guys are.”
Evil Alien Leader: “Our leader! The master! This is HIM!”
Sheppard: “Oh for pete’s sake, that’s the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man! He’s not real.”
Evil Alien Leader: “You admit doing THIS to him then!”
Sheppard (off-screen): “Oh, I love it when they nuked him.” There is a gasp that sweeps through the room, and Sheppard suddenly realizes that he shouldn’t have said that… “Ooops.”
The evil aliens pass judgment.
Alien #1: “Burn him at the stake!”
Alien #2: “Hang him high!”
Alien #3: “Drown him!”
Alien #4: “Force him to watch Stargate Infinity!!”
They all cackle evilly at their brilliant ideas, however…
In the end, the evil Mallowans decide to hang him and poke him full of holes, only because there was a nice big orange knife left laying around and something to string the poor human from. Sheppard is bleeding copiously. Darn, there goes the carpet.
Sheppard: “But it was a movie! It wasn’t real. It wasn’t even made by MGM! OW!”
The Evil Mallowan leader decides that he wants the honor of dispatching with the evil human. He sends his minions back to the big round portal.
The Mallowan second in command wants to watch Sheppard die hideously, but the leader points out that the floor is getting warm and it’s getting hard to move around. Besides, dinner will get cold.
Sheppard just hangs there, helpless as he’s suffering from horrible blood loss. Where is McKay to screech “We’re all going to die?” Instead, he just listens to the frogs that suddenly croak ominously in the distance… (watch video below for exciting video)
Instructions: Lean your head far to the right and down, so you’re looking at everything horizontally. Then this video will make much more sense! Or not.
Without warning, the evil alien Mallowan leader suddenly coughs up his guts! Oh, gross.
It’s Rodney McKay and Elizabeth Weir to the rescue! Utilizing a pair of needle nose pliers, he kills the evil little alien by squeezing REAL tight. It squeals pitifully before croaking.
Sheppard: “Ugh. I’m dying. I’m delirious. I see you wearing foil hats.”
Weir: “No, we are wearing hats made of foil.”
Sheppard: “Do I want to know why?”
McKay: “The keep out the rays that the evil aliens are transmitting which render everyone unconscious.”
Sheppard: “But I’m not unconscious...yet. Maybe if you give me a few more minutes.”
McKay: “Um, well, it doesn’t work if you’re hung upside down and there’s a really, really complicated mathematical theorm behind that, but it won’t last forever. So, once we cut you down, you’ll have to wear one too.
Sheppard ponders if putting on a stupid aluminum hat on ‘teh hair’ is worth being saved. He really wishes he had a coin to flip.
The Mallowans check their watches. Why has their evil leader not come to kick them through the gate? They’re hungry. They decide to go to the mess hall and see what there is for eats.
Sheppard finally sees reason. He just hopes they don’t die as he’s going to look awful stupid with a foil hat on his corpse. Meanwhile, McKay and Elizabeth have bandaged him up.
McKay: “Unfortunately we have only one set of needle nosed pliers left. Zelenka went nutso after whatserface stabbed him with a pair a few episodes back and when were in San Francisco, he threw every single one of them into the ocean.”
Weir: “If we were back on Earth, we could just go down to Home Depot and get all we want.”
McKay: “Yeah, and pay taxes on it!”
Weir: “Oh yes, forgot that. Proceed.”
Weir (off-screen): “Who are they and what do they want?”
Sheppard: “They’re the Mallowans and they think we killed their leader.”
McKay: “Their leader? Oh crap, who did you kill now?”
Sheppard: “Hey, I didn’t kill him. They think we killed the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man.”
Weir: “Brain damage?”
McKay: “How can you tell?”
Sheppard (off-screen): “Hey, I’m here you know!”
Sheppard: “Anyway, they think we toasted Stay Puft so want revenge and think I did it. I mean, do I look like any of those three guys? No, and they’re sticky little bastards. We gotta kill them before they escape.”
Weir (off-screen): “We don’t have to kill anyone. We can negotiate. We can—“
Sheppard: “What do you think they’re going to do when they find our hot chocolate mix with marshmallows in it?”
McKay (off-screen): “We’re doomed.”
Sheppard pauses, cocking head dramatically. “Ooh, got an idea.”
McKay: “Are you sure about this?”
Sheppard lights up the humungous super-sized matches he got at a novelty store in San Francisco.
Sheppard: “Sure. You’ve been to a July 4th picnic, right?”
McKay: “Of course not. I’m Canadian.
Sheppard: “Oh, you’re going to love this. Roasted Mallowans!”
Disclaimer: Do not try this at home!
And the evil Mallowans are speared with flaming matches and die die die!
A deep voice intones: “And once again, Atlantis is saved from an evil alien incursion by the Great White Hunter, who stands victoriously over the vanquished Mallowan foe—“
Sheppard: “McKay, give it a rest.”
McKay: “What? I can’t be the hero for once?”
Sheppard: “Hey, you accidentally stepped on that one because you couldn’t see because of that dumb foil hat.”
McKay: “That is NOT going in my memoirs.”
Sheppard: “I’ll wait for the movie. We’ll have Bill Murray play you.”
McKay: “No! He’s not even Canadian!”
Sheppard: “But he’s got the right hair…”
Weir: “It’s a good thing we did kill them all. I found a package of marshmallow hot chocolate all torn up over the mess hall.”
Sheppard: “See, the only good Mallowan is a roasted one.”
McKay: “They do smell good.”
Sheppard: “Yeah, you just know how long to roast ‘em.”
McKay (off-screen): “Yeah, the ones you charred black didn’t smell so good.”
Sheppard: “Hey, Elizabeth, you can remove the foil hat, you know.”
Weir: “Oh no, I need to leave it for another ten minutes. I figured since we had to wear them, I might as well frost my tips while I was at it.”
Sheppard and McKay exchange a puzzled glance. Rodney wonders if he’s still stoned from the last Action Figure segment, and Sheppard wonders if he’s hallucinating from blood loss.
Suddenly, the gate rings.
Chuck (off-screen): “Hey, that’s my job!”
Sheppard: “What’s this?”
McKay: “I got an answering service. So much easier.”
And the gate spews out the next message, accompanied by an odd lilting female voice, sort of like a female HAL.
Sheppard: “And now what?”
McKay: “Oh, we always press 1 until we get the CallerID hooked up.”
There’s a strange strangling noise in the background. Oh wait, that’s Sheppard as the message is read aloud to the entire gateroom by the female HAL voice.
McKay: “Snacks? You were going to bring him snacks? He eats PEOPLE!”
Sheppard. “It’s merely a code and well…”
Sheppard presses #2.
McKay: “You realize you just killed your only Wraith contact?”
Sheppard: “Well, yeah. He was getting far too clingy. I mean geez, he’s always calling, can’t take no for an answer.”
McKay: “He was stalking you?”
Sheppard: “Ever since he sucked me dry and brought me back to life, he just can’t keep his hands off me. It’s disturbing.”
McKay: “I’ll say. I missed that episode!”
And that’s it…. But wait, you say, because you’ve rightly noticed that this is JUST like the show! Why, where on Earth are Ronon and Teyla? No, they’re not left behind on Earth, but they’re involved in their own vastly complicated horrendous plot B.
Teyla and Keller confer over a matter of great importance.
Teyla: “Surely there is something you can do.”
Keller: “I’ll do my best but…”
Keller: “Didn’t I warn you not to play with matches? You’re flammable! You’re not an action figure yet!”
Ronon: “Hey, Sheppard said it was safe.”
Teyla sighs. “He was suffering from blood loss and not in his right mind, plus he was wearing that foil hat which made him look …ridiculous.”
Keller: “Rodney looked so cute in it.” She coughs as the others glare at her.
With Teyla’s assist, Keller trims off the burnt edge.
Keller: “Here’s a new limb. It’ll work as good as—“
Teyla: “That is a leg.”
Keller laughs uncomfortably. “Oh, so it is. My mistake.”
Keller: “There. Good as new!”
Ronon: “Thanks, doc.”
Teyla is unconvinced. “Yes, I’m sure a generic brand of invisible tape will hold up well in battle.”
Just like the end of season 5, the gang is all together!
Teyla: “Elizabeth, how did the frosting work?”
Weir: “Not so good. It doesn’t work on plastic.”
Meanwhile, McKay notices that Keller and Ronon are holding hands. Keller is HIS main squeeze!
McKay: “Hey, paws off, Conon!”
Keller realizes she’s been spotted. “I’m just making sure he has feeling his limb after the unfortunate fire incident which the two of you were responsible for, I might add.”
Sheppard: “Hey, I told him not to let it burn down to a stub…”
And here’s an ‘outtake’ of Sheppard getting the ‘blood’ washed off (before the cat decides to lick it off). If you listen closely enough, you’ll hear Shep’s head knock against the sink.
Disclaimers: I won’t lie. Many marshmallows were maimed in the making of this production. One was stolen by the cat.
Ketchup by Trader Joe’s, Marshmallows by Walmart. Liggonberries (Mallowan guts) by Ikea. Insane plot by me J