wraithfodder (wraithfodder) wrote,

SGA Fic: "Excuse Me If I'm Paranoid" (part 2)



He was not a doctor of medicine. Hadn’t he drilled that little factoid into Sheppard’s head a few million times, but since when did the colonel ever listen to him? And now, he was the lone voice of sanity in the insane asylum. “Just avoid the nuts,” Sheppard had advised succinctly. Oh, thank you so very much! How could he expect anything less from a man who didn’t even know Julie Newmar was the delectable Catwoman?? Eartha Kitt? Sheppard had weird tastes.


Rodney knew that they’d definitely need Carson to fix this mess. Molecular biology and voodoo mumbo-jumbo was just not up his alley. He could get only so far, and right now, he was up against the proverbial brick wall.


“Dr. McKay!”


Oh no. Rodney turned on his heel. The massive bulk of Lucius Lavan in that god-awful frilly shirt was blocking the door to his lab. Damn damn damn. He quickly shut his laptop. Maybe Lucius had no idea what they were doing. His technological skills seemed to be Neanderthal in nature so hopefully the man didn’t know what he was up to.


“Lucius,” he nearly squeaked. “I thought Elizabeth was looking for you, um, down on the south pier.” Lord, that was downright lame but the man was more interested in women then men. Teyla should have kicked the man in the nuts back on the planet with the first insult and killed any future deals.


“Colonel Sheppard just went back to my planet.” The large man frowned, almost as if he missed Sheppard’s presence, which was definitely not true. Lucius wasn’t happy that neither he nor the colonel were not members of his ever-growing fan club. “He said he was going to check on my wives.” A pained smile of gargantuan proportions crossed his face. “Oh, my wives must miss me so. I should bring them here to drink the delights of your fair city!”


Rodney knew if he was diabetic, that last remark would have surely killed him. “Well, um, why don’t you wait in the gateroom then?” He swallowed down hard. “I’m sure they’d be delighted to see you.”


Lucius moved into the room amazingly quickly for being so large and obviously out of shape. Although the lab was Rodney’s territory, he quickly found himself blocked in a corner. If he got out of this mess, he’d have to definitely review and devise escape routes from his own lab! “Rodney, you really must spend more time with me, up on the balcony, out of this dreary dark room.”


When the grinning man held out his arms expansively just like some thieving politician making promises he’d never keep, Rodney took advantage, ducking and dodging and heading for the door and an escape. “I’ve got to check the, uh, energy generator doohickey on level 18,” he said as he backed away, cringing outwardly that he was now using Sheppard’s lame descriptions. He turned around, then bounced off something blocking his path.


Ronon stood in the doorway, his sold bulk pushing the scientist back into the room.


“Ah, big guy,” Rodney tried to sooth, laying on his best McKay charm. “I need to go fix something. Make sure the city runs okay, you know that Ancient technology, needs constant tinkering.”


“Uh huh.” Both of the Satedan’s hands grasped like a vice into Rodney’s vest and a second later, he found himself pinned firmly to a nearby wall. Seconds later, Lucius was by his side, wrapping one arm over his shoulder. Rodney was distinctly uncomfortable, and if he hadn’t known that the alien was a blatant womanizer, he’d be worried for his virtue, but it was bad enough that he could feel panic creeping in on his thoughts.


“Haven’t you ever heard of personal space?” He tried to push off from the wall but instead, Ronon just shifted his grip from the shoulders to his upper arms, pinning him even further against the wall. There was no malice in the man’s actions. Ronon was just insane, hopefully just temporarily, that’s all. Rodney shuddered inwardly. Ronon had a feral grin that was really worrisome. He’d seen just how nuts the Satedan could be when he was sane.


Lucius began droning nonsense about cooperation and alliances and how beautiful Elizabeth’s eyes were but all Rodney could do was try to hold his breath. Wait, what if the effect was transferable by touch as well? Eeeeuuu, the man had his hand across his back, caressing his neck in a very, very creepy manner that made him want to whimper.


How the hell was he going to stay away from the nuts if they turned him into one of them?


Sheppard was never going to forgive him.



Tags: fanfic, my fanfic, stargate atlantis
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