MGM and SciFi put out spoilerish promo trailers for OUTCAST, so to while away the time, I have taken a few * cough * liberties and reworked the plot.
“John. I’ve got bad news.”
“Crap, McKay posted a picture of that damned painting from last week’s episode all over the base, didn’t he? He said he wouldn’t. I threatened him with a excruciatingly painful death, and to erase all his hard drives.”
“Um, never mind. You were saying?”
“Your father’s dead.”
“Oh crap.” And in the time-honored tradition of Stargate episodes, any emotional impact (crying, punching walls, dealing with decades of guilt, etc. is totally ignored or we’ll be told it was ‘dealt with’ off-screen)
Ronon decides to accompany Sheppard to the funeral as McKay told him there’s lots of foods at those things, and they can’t go out on a mission anyway as McKay is hiding somewhere with all his hard drives.
And at the wake, Sheppard runs into his much more successful brother Graham. Unfortunately there is tons of unresolved tension between the two men because as children, John referred to his brother as a graham cracker and Graham has held a grudge ever since, especially after John tried to dunk Graham’s head in a mug of milk.
“Good god, John, where did you get that awful tie?”
“I like this tie. Is that all you want to talk to me about? Not dad? Not the will? Not what happened to Mikey??”
“Mikey?” Graham is suspicious. “What did happen to my gerbil?”
Sheppard realizes he shouldn’t have mentioned that regrettable incident that has gnawed on his mind for decades like a squirrel trying to chew through a padlocked steel birdfeeder. “Oops, um, yeah, he was, um, abducted by aliens, remember?”
“Really?” (laughs derisively) “Dad said he ran off to the circus. You really expect me to believe aliens abducted him?”
Sheppard realizes that he’d better let Graham live with the delusion of circus clowns stealing Mikey, rather than the awful truth involving a makeshift boat, the toilet and accidentally flushing the critter down the drain.
Ronon fortunately rescues Sheppard before he blurts the truth, but…
But Sheppard runs into the ex-wife, who has bad news to deliver.
“Oh John, long time no see,” says the ex. “By the way, your father changed the will. Apparently your dad’s extensive and extremely valuable comic book collection is going to Ralph.”
“Who the hell is Ralph?”
So the ex tells him. Ralph is the DIY son John’s father built from a build-your-repliSon-kit off eBay since the prodigal son vanished to who the hell knows where. Sheppard tries to look incredulous, or dumb, or at least not spill the top-secret beans.
From now on, Sheppard is applying for a patent for anything they find in the Pegasus Galaxy and send back to Earth! Damn, someone was making a mint on eBay!
But before Sheppard departs, the ex- gives him a hug, if only to cop a feel.
Sheppard realizes he can kill two birds with one stone. Ralph’s a replicator, and it’s job to eradicate them. He can do that and get the comic book collection as knew Graham could care less about Batman comics. Score!
Just to make it legal, he lets the SGC know, and runs into Bates, who is busy on the side writing scifi movies based on his time in Atlantis and selling them to some cheesy TV network.
Meanwhile, Sheppard tracks down WepliLady542, the name of the eBay seller who sold his father the kit.
“You know building repli—er, um, fake people is illegal in 49 states.”
“Well, that’s why we’re based out of Nevada. Anyway, I assure you that Ralph is perfectly harmless.”
And not too far away (not that it really matters since Sheppard can just use the Daedalus to bypass the highways), Ralph wakes up. It time’s to collect his comics.
Sheppard is determined not to let the tons of bundles of comics (which look suspiciously like big bags of concrete, seen in background) fall into Ralph's hands and he warns Ronon to be quiet; they’re hunting Weplicators.
Pigeon! Oh wait, he’s here to kill Weplicators.
There it goes!
Weplicator! But the replicator runs into a warehouse, Sheppard and Ronon hot on his heels.
And Ronon gets a direct hit!
Ooops, the replicator is sorta indestructible to Ronon’s highly illegal weapon (by Earth standards).
So Ronon tries again.
Insert insensible strangling noise from Ronon, although sometimes, it's hard to tell it from when he mumbles. *cough*
And Ronon is tossed aside like a rag doll.Ouch.
is that a bird? A plane? No, it’s Batman, er, Spidey Shep, being flung across the room. Ralph wants those comics bad!
Ouch. Aw, poor Shep bangs into the wall but will he suffer blunt force trauma? Concussion? Nah, the writers of the show just don’t want to make the fans happy. Darn.
And then we fade to commecial, in fact, so many ads that by the time show is back on, we’ve forgotten why we’re sitting on the couch holding a remote in our hand.
Sheppard: “And that’s one less replicator to mess things up.”
Ronon: “I get first dibs on the comics.”
Shepaprd: “Just wait a sec—“
Ronon: “I’ve got a bigger weapon than you.”
Sheppard growls, then sighs, knowing when he’s been whipped.
And that’s the end of this week’s exciting installment of rewriting Stargate Atlantis scripts. ;)