"The Last Man"
Chuck is minding his own business. Just doing his job. Doesn’t want a last name as hey, Peter got a last name (Grodin) and look what happened to him! Anyway, being the innocuous gate tech means he can listen into important conversations.
“Why can’t the Daedalus import jelly donuts? Is it too much to ask? All they ever send are powdered donuts,” whines Rodney.
Oh, wait, the important conversation. Sam orders Sheppard’s team to investigate some vague energy readings on a planet.
"”It’s always a vague energy reading! We’re going to die!”
But then again the place does look sorta like a warehouse extension of Wraiith-Mart, so maybe they’ve got cakes.
And what a desolate planet it is, oops, wait, wrong picture.
Rodney has found an old TV set, and he’d snatch it, but he knows that it’s analog and everything’s going to digital on February 17, 2009, so, nah, he’s not taking it for his bachelor pad, er, room.
But wait, he hears a noise. It’s a booby . A booby trap! OH NO. A BOOBY!
Evil alien blue footed Pegasus Galaxy booby capable of sniffing out at two miles the powdered donut dust on McKay’s uniform. And it’s hungry!
Sheppard shoots at the booby, but to no avail.
And, oh yeah, Sheppard missed the bobby (obviously, I mean, look at those feet, it’s fast!) and hits something sorta flammable. Oops.
We now interrupt this scintillating storyline for an important message from our sponsors!
The new Stargate Atlantis action figures will be in stores soon! They have fully articulated joints, the Sheppard doll comes with hair gel and of course these are action figures as the picture can’t be from the episode as Teyla isn’t pregnant.
Back to our program….
Sheppard returns to the city. Oddly enough, by himself (a lot can happen during commercial breaks, you see).
Sheppard wonders what’s going on.
No sign of Chuck, and there’s a crusty layer of old donut dust on the console. Suspicious.
Sheppard quickly searches the entire city and it’s empty.
Sheppard figures he’ll check outside. Big mistake.
See, it’s sorta desolate outside, too. Too bad Sheppard didn’t pay attention to Act I. Ha!
But he struggles through the sandstorm… (and the producer’s promise of Shep whump comes through – he gets sand in his shorts! Ooh, that chafes….)
So he wanders around, licking donut dust to survive, until he runs into a hologram of a decrepit balding Rodney McKay.
“Geez, Rodney, you look like hell. Guess your homemade sunscreen didn’t work,” comments Sheppard. “What’s going on?”
Rodney explains that Chuck accidentally upgraded a console with Microsoft VistaÒ, and well, screwed up the gate and propelled Sheppard to the future.
And boy, things really went to hell in a handbasket while Sheppard was gone....
Michael never returned Teyla, but instead went sorta bonkers as he hadn’t bargained that when the baby with the great DNA was born, he’d have to change diapers. Oh, the horrors!
Ronon, meanwhile, had decided that ‘Todd’ was responsible for Sheppard’s plight as all wraith are bad, bad, bad. So, we won’t be seeing Todd in season 5.
And Sam, with nobody to go “uh, things are different in the Pegasus Galaxy,” went off on a ship.
Sam snapped under the pressure of mounds of paperwork that Sheppard left behind.
And didn’t notice things blowing up behind her…
So, oops, she blew up. But it was pretty.
And lastly, Rodney regales Sheppard with his tales of sexual conquest!
WARNING! WARNING! Young impressionable minds should not view the following several pictures for fear of residual psychological trauma.
“Rodney, I need you,” purrs a sultry voice.
Yes, yes, Rodney finally gets the girl. Or maybe she just needs some help…
“Uh, is that better?” he asks hesitantly.
“Yes, that darn dental floss was bothersome.”
And of course Rodney doesn’t tell Sheppard what really happened (as detailed here).
But Sheppard can see McKay is spinning tall tales. He just wants to know how to get home. Surely in 10 or 40 thousand years, Rodney has figured it out.
“Oh, yes, press the red EASYÒ button on the console and it’ll fix everything,” says Rodney.
And it works!
Sheppard suddenly ‘poofs’ into the gateroom. Unfortunately, while Sheppard was off in the future snorting donut dust off counters, back in the present, the security people were all on edge, hunting down the evil booby, which came through the gate with Rodney. Hence, when they saw a sudden movement, they just shot indiscriminately and nailed poor Sheppard in a hail of bullets.
Alas, for the whumper fans, the great gouts of bloods and screams of agony are censored by the network standards and practices boards as being too gory.
But we’re left with a cliffhanger, of Sheppard intubated, bleeding, etc., etc. under a sheet, while the evil booby runs riot on the base….