Sheppard and McKay’s NOT-So-Excellent Adventure….
(C) 2008 Wraithfodder
The daring duo of Colonel John Sheppard and Dr. Rodney McKay find themselves stranded on Earth. A simple trip went awry, and they must find their way back to the Pegasus Galaxy. Alas, they lack money, identification and weapons. They’re up a creek without a paddle, but, wait, they’re offered a ride…
Rodney finishes his latest rant. “If the backseat wasn’t crammed full of coolers and boxes of crackers, we wouldn’t be forced to sit on the dashboard.”
Sheppard realizes this road trip will be hell if the whining continues for another ten hours. “Are we there yet?”
Neither McKay nor Sheppard realize they are now in a historically important photo. Yes, the good ole days when gasoline was a mere $3.79 per gallon.
They’re stuck, as there’s really nowhere else to sit, wondering how long they’ll be there on the hard dashboards denting their butts until someone yells “Deer!” (yes, someone yelled “Deer!”, hit the brakes and…)
“Gah, get off me!” whines McKay. “Whiplash! I’m suing!”
“Hey, get off MEEE!” shrieks Sheppard rather shrilly due to where McKay has inadvertently planted his foot. Ouch.
The guys decide the passenger side door ledge is a much better place, out of the sun, and less likely for either to step on each other.
Sheppard spies movement from the corner of his eye. “Rodney, what ARE you doing?” Has the stress gotten to the scientist, or he is acting on some deeply repressed desires, or is that a cracker crumb in Sheppard’s hair ‘cause he really is starving…?
And, um, cough, well, who knows what happened between the picture above and this one, but all the road signs kept saying “Click it or Ticket,” and well, the dash has no seatbelts, but there was a nice fat roll of blue painters tape…. Oh, the indignity. (Although Sheppard is grateful, considering where McKay’s foot landed the last time.)
Left in the car while the drivers hit Burger King for lunch. Rodney is ready to chew the tape off, if only he were more flexible! And he forgot his sunscreen!
Um, er, well, the blue painters tape was beginning to sorta melt into the dash, so the poor boys, suffering from near heatstroke, curl up on the door ledge.
“My back!” yells McKay. Geez, the driver is always hitting the brakes!
Soon they arrive at the convention and are invited to a party. Since the guys are dehydrated and rather starving, they don’t mind the extra-large tacky tiki shot glasses…
The hosts are very generous with drinks and baubles, as the guys soon find out.
So they have seconds.
And thirds. Both are startled by a flash. Nah, they’re not celebrities. These pictures will go nowhere. Nope, they’re safe.
“Bottoms up!” slurs Sheppard.
“Hic,” says McKay. “This stuff is goo, er, uh, good!” He doesn’t bother to ask why Sheppard is smirking as that expression seems to be permanently etched in the man’s face.
As usual, excess drinking leads to bad behavior that usually ends up on MySpace and loses you that good job.
And too much liquor in this case leads to actions the guys would otherwise not indulge in, such as floating in a Jacuzzi in an inflatable pink flamingo boat. Legs tangled, inhibitions unleashed, and oh wait, we didn’t get those pictures. Darn!
Sheppard: “Geez, Rodney, you look a bit green.”
Rodney: “Ugh, everything looks green. What did we drink?”
Sheppard: “Um, what is that green thing behind us?”
Rodney: “I thought it was with you!”
The guys find themselves stuck in the flamingo boat in a bowl of ice. They’d wanted to cool off, but not quite like this.
And the rest of the evening is a blur…. Morning arrives.
Rodney: “Ohmygod, what happened?”
Sheppard: “Looks like we had a lot of hot sex.”
Sheppard: “The drink, you idiot. The bottle is empty. Geez, no wonder I have a headache.”
Rodney: “Oh, thank god. I mean, not that I thought anything like that happened…” and his mind drifts off, wondering if that dream he had was just a dream…
Yes, yes, it was just a dream. He didn’t pick up some oddly desirable blonde with kinky projectiles who roped in him with hot sex and leftover Mardi Gras necklaces…
Alas, the ride may have been free, but they’ve got to earn their room and board. They’ve been drafted into something called the “hurt/comfort” / “whump” SGA panel. For some unfathomable reason, Sheppard is bandaged up as an example. He’s sooo happy they lacked the material to intubate him.
Rodney practices the ‘comfort’ aspect.
Sheppard: “Stop patting me on the head.”
Rodney: (in a sickening sweet tone) “There. There.”
Sheppard: “If you don’t stop, I’m going to hit you.”
However, it’s Rodney who may be whumped when he goes down to the lobby in search of a snack machine that will give him Crunchy Cheeotos® and is set upon by the gigantic alien feline. “Ow! My hand! Nooooo! HELP!”
“Not my feet! Nice pussy! Nice pussy!”
Sheppard comes to the rescue but the evil monster cat has knocked him down too, and they’re at its mercy, and what happens next is so hideous that, well, we forgot to photograph, so we’ll just go to the evening when the boys are tucked in bed.
Sheppard and McKay find themselves being cuddled by the evil purple plot bunny from across the hall. They try to escape but its grasp is too tight and they’re stuck to the silver mylar bikini the bunny is wearing (don’t ask).
Sheppard realizes that “tying one on” has different meaning at conventions, as he is strapped against his will to a noisy Dalek that drives him up and down the hall shrieking “Exterminate!” Worse, yet, he’s got company on the other side of the Dalek, someone who just won’t shut up with the gloom and doom spiel.
“Can’t breathe,” gasps McKay. “I’m going to diiieee! And in such an undignified manner!”
And they set off down the corridor, dodging curious ferrets and lightsaber wielding people and the occasional driving into walls.
“Can this trip getting any worse?” ponders Sheppard.
“We’re sitting on a stuffed alligator,” grouses McKay. “And I’m too short to reach the vending machine!”
In an attempt to escape the room, the guys find this odd alien-looking sculpture next to the ice bucket and as always, they must investigate.
Sheppard: “What is it?”
McKay: “How should I know, but wait, don’t touch it. It’s sticky to me. Help!”
The guys survive the blue alien monster of unusual origin*, and check out of the hotel. Alas, the next stop contains horrific monsters.
Sheppard really wishes he hadn’t left his gun behind, wherever he left it… He can only recall it was encased in clear plastic and he has foggy memories about getting a free “Steve the Wraith” if he sent in 4 proofs of purchase. Argh, must be the tiki tacky party liquor messing up his mind.
The giant cat decides Sheppard makes a good toy.
“ARGH!” (Yes, finally, Sheppard gets whumped!)
And, well, it’s not like McKay is a Marine, so his efforts at saving his friend are futile and ends up with his own capture.
McKay: “This is all YOUR fault!”
Sheppard: “I’m a dog person. This is a cat. That’s your department!”
The guys suddenly realize that the cat is high on kitty crack (aka catnip to layfolk) and eventually the ‘drug’ will wear off and the cat will devour them, or at the very least, chew off their extremities.
Sheppard forces the monster to release his chief scientist, and oh yeah, friend.
The beast has been vanquished. Phew!
And another shot.
The guys decide the cat is more comfy than the hard floor.
Uh oh, are those eyes opening?
And during a commercial break, the guys accomplish their goal!
Sheppard: “Honey, we’re home!”
McKay: “Yeah, only a week behind from a three-hour trip. Think anyone will notice?”
And of course Elizabeth has noticed their absence. “WHERE have you two been? I sent you out to get a coffee and some TimBits® and you’re off partying for days! Drinking and debauchery. And Mardi Gras beads? I saw those pictures on LiveJournal!”
Sheppard: “Whoa, wait, we can explain! It’s not what it looks like!”
McKay: “It’s all Sheppard’s fault.”
Sheppard: “Speak for yourself. Nothing happened. Really.”
McKay: “Sure, Kirk. You were oggling that purple bunny.”
Elizabeth sighs. “Boys, of course nothing happened. Haven’t either of you noticed you’re plastic and your clothes don’t come off?”
WHAT?! The guys just collapse in front of the gate. Blast, they had no idea (remember, they’re guys). Now Sheppard knows why the gel kept sliding off his hair… McKay, other other hand, is secretly sorta happy, as at least that means nothing really did happen with that weird blonde with the toilet plunger sticking out of her. Phew!
And that’s it for John and Rodney’s NOT-So-Excellent Adventure, except for this video, when they were forced to amuse their captures at a rest stop on I-80. Oh, the horrors….
* For anybody who goes to MediaWest*Con, they’ll probably recognize what blue painters tape – used to hold up flyers – looks like when removed. That is the pile left after I took down my Dummies for Whump door photos, although it did remind me of the crystal entity in SG-1’s “Lazarus” episode. J
DISCLAIMER: No kitties were harmed in the making of this story, although the same can’t be said for the action figures. Rodney had a cat tooth dent in one hand. Aw, poor woobie….