It’s a little over a month until season 5 of Stargate Atlantis premieres, and some fans are probably desperate for any kind of story. So, here it is! And hey, this plot hasn’t been ripped off SG-1 or a major motion picture. Oh, no spoilers of any kind.
So without further ado, check out…
STARGATE ATLANTIS: “A Sticky Situation”
It’s a peaceful day on Atlantis. No Wraith attacks, no replicators, and the telemarketers have finally given up calling. Maybe the team can catch up on paperwork. Whoa! Maybe not. Suddenly, the klaxons sound. Someone’s coming through the gate, and they can’t stop it.
Sheppard and McKay gawk at the alien item that has been deposited on the gateroom floor.
Rodney: “Good grief, it’s huge! And it’s warm. Yes, my dreams have been answered! I knew the Daedalus would deliver!”
Sheppard: “Rodney, the SGC wouldn’t send us that. Besides, Elizabeth didn’t approve your requisition for ten dozen sticky buns. A sticky caramel bun this huge can mean only one thing.”
Rodney: “NBC bought the Food Network and now they’re cross-purposing their shows into each other? Gah, we’re not going to have those awful Scare Tactics people here, are we??”
Sheppard: “Well, there is that but if the latter happens, I’ll have Ronon get rid of them, Nah, I think it’s a booby-trap of some kind. Just gotta figure out what kind…”
Meanwhile, Elizabeth pauses in the middle of her umpteenth cup of coffee (note the price tag; this is how the Stargate program is really funded). The overwhelming scent of a warm caramel sticky bun, chockfull of sugar and gooey icey, is like an aphrodisiac. No wait, this isn’t premium cable. No, it’s like a drug. A lure she can’t resist. She MUST have it.
Teyla freezes in the middle of her stick-fighting routine. The delectable aroma of a fresh, warm sticky bun is too enticing. Screw the exercising. One sticky bun isn’t going to ruin her lithe muscular figure.
Teyla is not herself. Her expression is glazed, her limbs are rigid. She’s making a bee-line toward the humungous hunk of gooey delectableness.
Sheppard: “Uh, Teyla, we don’t know where this thing came from. It might be poisoned.”
Rodney is having less luck with Elizabeth, who throws herself with wild abandon on the big bun. “Mine!” she screams in ecstasy.
Teyla is practically possessed by her goal of reaching the bun.
Sheppard cries foolishly. “It’ll make you FAT!”
She viciously thwacks him in the skull with a Banto rod.
Both Elizabeth and Teyla attack the sticky mound with wild abandon.
Meanwhile, Rodney is lying on the floor, gasping, the victim of an ill-tined attack by Elizabeth when he got in between her and her gooey icing. “I’ve been forked,” he gasps, knowing he’s got a tension pneumothorax or something equally ghastly and he’s going to die-die-die…
Meanwhile, our hero Sheppard lies in an ever-spreading pool of viscous red blood from a cracked skull when Teyla beat the crap out of him. With any luck, he’s got a subdural hematoma as well! Doesn’t he sprawl well? Ahem, back to the story…
Who could have done such a horrid thing? That is, sending the obviously toxic confectionary through the gate, which then turned Elizabeth and Teyla into women with alien-sized PMS? Who? WHO?!
“Yes,” cackles the Wraith Queen as she stares into the mysterious glowing green orb. “Atlantis will be ours!”
The subservient Wraith guy hopes the Queen doesn’t notice he used some of her best china to send the evil bun through the gate… or that there don’t seem to be any other wraith to send on an invasion. Oops.
And we leave our heroes in a sticky mess. Sheppard’s bleeding out. Will he (fans hope desperately) need intubated? Will the fork still be with Rodney, or will it be removed it in time? And what of Elizabeth and Teyla, who devoured the entire bun in record time? Who is guarding the gate? And where the heck are Ronon and Keller? Oh wait, those action figures aren’t out yet….geez, Shep and McKay are soooo screwed…
And just what IS the significance of the gate-like pattern on the dish???
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This soon-to-be-awarding-winning script was funded by the Foundation to Justify Buying a 6-pack of Sticky Buns as that way I can say that yes, the sticky bun was bought as a prop and not an impulse purchase when a voice echoed throughout the store “Six buns for only $5!”
Special effects supplied by Heinz Ketchup. Various background props, including Fred the Sticky Bun, came from Ikea, except the dishware.