Yes, it's a few days until an actual brand-new episode airs on SciFi (never mind it hit the internet a few weeks ago so half the viewers have probably seen it). Anyway, for those avoiding spoilers, and have no taste in entertainment, here's the perfect solution! No spoilers for season 5, although, you get your very first peek of the Stargate Atlantis Teyla, Ronon and Wraith drone action figures!!*
Sheppard and McKay sit on top of a toasty warm but old styled energy-sucking computer monitor, waiting for their fate to be decided…
Sheppard: “So, what do you think will happen to us this time?”
McKay:” I don’t know, but I hope it doesn’t include this beaver!”
In another part of the galaxy, things are getting testy with the wraith.
Queen: “I’m out of chocolate!”
Wraith (aka Fred): “But we don’t eat chocolate.”
Queen: (Hisses) “It’s chocolate – or you.”
Fred: “Going, going!”
Fred: “We must find this ‘chocolate' the Queen demands.”
Drone mutters unintelligible noise (because if he spoke, he’ have to be paid and get a SAG and/or ACTRA card)
Fred: “Yes, we’ll go there!”
Weir: “We have a big problem! It’s just… words fail me… it’s terrible.”
Sheppard: “Not another Wraith invasion? I just got the right shade of drapes for my room after the mutant moth invasion last week.”
Weir (off-camera, in a sigh): “Yes, it was regrettable it ate your uniform.”
McKay meanwhile, is trying not hyperventilate. “Oh god, we’re out of coffee, aren’t we? And the Daedalus isn’t due back for three weeks!!”
“Wraith? Coffee?” Weir sputters in utter indignation. “This is all the chocolate remaining in the Pegasus Galaxy!”
Teyla sniffles as she holds up her empty container. “It’s all gone!”
Sheppard knows they’re not getting out of this shopping trip, er, mission. So he turns to Ronon.
“Hey, big guy, let’s go.”
Ronon: “Um, busy. Doc wants to do a, uh… what was it again?”
McKay whines. “Just how many physicals does the man need? Don’t they have the fleas and ticks out of his hair yet?”
Sheppard snorts. “Gee, Rodney, you sound a bit jealous.”
McKay: “Bite me.”
Sheppard: “There are other ways to end up in the infirmary so Keller can tend to you.”
McKay just freezes in that dark, thoughtful pose.
McKay: “Eh, photographer didn’t want to waste the nearly duplicate shot which shows my manly jaw in deep focus.”
Sheppard: “Shoot me now.”
With Ronon off playing doctor with the doc, and Teyla busy with Weir strategizing the dispersal of the remaining two dozen M&Ms to a base of nearly 200 people, this leaves our heroes off on their own. That never bodes well. However, following a lead found in the database, the guys find an Ancient alien device.
McKay: “Well, the database said that we’d find the information we need at the top.”
Sheppard: “Okay, I’ll wait down here.”
McKay grumbles: “It’s always up to me to save the day. Wait, wait, something’s wrong.”
McKay swears. “Argh! When is that woman ever going to unpack my life signs detector/all purpose scientific device! I can’t determine what this doohickey, um, Ancient device, does with a gun! I need some help up here. Sheppard! … Sheppard?”
“Busy,” replies Sheppard.
“The chocolate is mine!” Fred threatens, holding a weapon on Sheppard.
Long shot of the incredibly funky Ancient device that everybody should ooh and awe over, and the fact that Rodney hasn’t fallen off it yet.
Sheppard: "Rodney. Could use a little help here."
Fred: "WHERE is the chocolate!?"
McKay: “What? Did you say something Sheppard? Oh, never mind.”
Fred: “The chocolate is mine! We will take it by force if need be! Well, we will anywhere. Then we will dine on you as well.”
Fred: “We, yes—oh damn, where did that drone get to?”
Mayhem ensues and, alas, Fred is dead. (Yes, you may groan now)
Because the budget is low, they’re trying to save on bullets, hence, Sheppard speared the wraith through just like staking a vampire. Fortunately a giant-sized tropical monkey drink stirrer just happened to be lying around.
They may have defeated the Wraith, but now face an even fiercer foe. The automatic guard dog droid left behind to guard the sacred, er, secret stash of chocolate.
It immediately attacks McKay, who screams shrilly “HELP!!!” The silver dogdroid growls menacingly at Sheppard.
McKay: “Shoot it!!!!”
Sheppard: “Nah. Hey, I think it likes you.”
And yes indeedy, it did like McKay, so the two men are able to gain access to the secret vault.
McKay: “Look at all that chocolate….” And then trails off.
Sheppard: “Hello? Rodney? Earth to Rodney. What are you thinking about?”
McKay: “Nothing. Nothing at all.”
But McKay can’t get the vision out of his mind … lying there in a giant bowl of delectable chocolate M&M… chocolate, which contains CAFFEINE. Yummm… so delectable…and his, all HIS!
McKay abruptly hopes he didn’t say any of that out loud.
Sheppard really wishes Rodney hadn’t said any of that out loud.
Sheppard: “We’re back. Here’s your stash.”
McKay: “And you have no idea how hard it was NOT to eat some of it on the trip home.”
Teyla: “This is … not right.”
Weir: “Where are the green ones?”
Sheppard: “Green ones?”
McKay: “We had to get certain colors?”
Sheppard: “We got what they had.”
Weir: “You realize this will not look good at your performance review…”
Sheppard: “I nearly got killed by a wraith and this is the thanks I get?”
McKay: “Your ego’s hurt? I was attacked by a dogdroid—“
“…who was pretty lonely, so I named him DW40 and he came home with me.”
McKay orders DW40 to sit and wonders if he can program the dogdroid to chew on Zelenka’s ankles.
Teyla: “It is… adorable!”
Weir: “I miss my dog.”
Teyla oohs and aws over it, but…
…but DW40 really likes Weir.
Weir: “He’s soo nice.” DW40 nuzzles her cheek affectionately.
Weir: “What’s that, DW40? You want to come home with me? Sure.”
And Weir goes off with DW40 happily following her and the big bucket of chocolate M&Ms.
McKay: “But he was my dogdroid!”
Sheppard offers comfort. “Look at this way. They forgot all about the green M&Ms. We don’t have to go back.”
McKay sniffles. “He’d probably leak oil anyway.”