wraithfodder (wraithfodder) wrote,

Stargate Atlantis Action Figure Theater: The Holiday Edition

Wow, it totally sucks NOT to have a new Stargate Atlantis episode to watch, so what’s a person to do? Why, write your own script! Yes, another exciting installment of Stargate Atlantis Action Figure Theater! Chockful of sex, drama, intrigue and of course, bad writing! But you’ll see special effects that the actual show dare not use!

And since the Christmas holiday is just around the corner, we might as well see what the gang on Atlantis is doing for that festive day… Rated PG-13 for er, dialogue ;) 


The gang gathers around the gate and the Christmas tree. To avoid the nervous breakdowns the gift-giving stress of last year caused among the folks on Atlantis, it was decreed that they enact the Secret Santa tradition this time around. Teyla, however, is new to this festivity.
Teyla: “Are you sure that women wear these skirts of gold baubles for this day?”
Sheppard: “Um, sure. (coughs) So, anyway, as I was saying about the Secret Santa, we each just pulled a name out of the hat, and got a gift the other person would want, and didn’t sign our names.”

Ronon opens up his gift. It’s a humongous knife!

Sheppard (off-camera): “So, big guy, where are you going to hide this knife?”
Ronon is speechless. Probably because the knife’s immense size and weight are crushing his legs flat.

Now it’s Rodney’s turn and wait, what is this???

Rodney: “Oh. My. God. Look! Look! XXX and OOO! Someone loves me!”
Sheppard: “Maybe Zelenka forgot how to draw the skull and crossbones for poison?”
McKay: “You’re just jealous!”
Teyla: “Perhaps you should open it.”
Ronon: (makes a grunt, cuz the writers couldn’t think of anything else for him to say, as usual)

McKay: (hyperventilating) “It’s my very own Sam Carter blow-up doll! This is FANTASTIC!! Oh wow, this is incredible beyond words!!”

Keller (at McKay): “Why you two-timing sniveling little weasel! I gave you the best season of my life! I even joined the ‘mile-high club’ with you despite the fact that I was hypothermic, had a bruised sternum and was frickin’ freezing in wet clothes! And now you’re cheating on me with… with… HER!”
Sheppard: “Oh oh.”

McKay: (sputtering) “But, but… honeybunch! It’s not what it looks like!”
Keller (off-screen): “It looks like a real woman isn’t enough for you. No, it’s over!”
McKay: “But, but…. All right, which one of you gave me this…this (coughs as he strokes the precious blow-up doll) thing?!”

Sheppard: “Gee, Rodney, you’re screwed.”
McKay (whining pitifully off-camera): “Not anymore.”

Ronon immediately moves up to comfort the distraught doctor, and of course, since he doesn’t talk much, he doesn’t feel the need to mention that the doll was his Secret Santa gift to McKay. Hey, he didn’t survive seven years as a Runner without learning how to play dirty.
Ronon: “I’ll take care of you.”
Keller: “I knew I should have chosen brawn over brains. Oh, nice ass!” (yes, see where her hand has landed)

Sheppard opens up his Secret Santa package, and wonders who would give him a giant frog. But then again, if it eats iratus bugs, it could come in handy.

Teyla eyes her gifts with curiosity and unease.
Teyla: “These are very unusual … bantos fighting rods. I have never seen any this size, or… color.”

Meanwhile, because Weir was pretty much relegated to only appearing here and there, we see that she has succumbed to the delectable chocolate aroma of the gift which Rodney sent her, because, face it, it’s a bribe. And he signed it with a note and a pile of requisitions for lab equipment he really doesn’t need but does want.

And while everybody ponders the meaning of their gift, and whom to thank or whom to kill for said gift, the penguin plots in the Christmas tree.

McKay: “This soooo sucks. The blow-up doll is flat! What good is a flat blow-up doll? And now Jennifer has dumped me for Conon the Barbarian. He’s so one-dimensional! (sniffles). Nobody loves me!”

Dalek: “I wuv you, Rodney.”

Dalek: “For you.”
McKay: “A giant Rubik’s cube! Wow, like I really need this like I need a hole in the head! I figured this out when I was a toddler! What am I going to do with this?”
Dalek (off-screen, angry): “Exterminate!”

McKay suddenly pauses. Something is… off.

Sheppard: “Rodney, we’re going out on a mission. Here’s your gun.”
McKay: “What the …. Are you insane?”
Sheppard: “It’s a one-gallon water pistol. What were you expecting? A five-gallon one? Get real.”

McKay: “Just what is going on? This is insane. I’m not going on any mission with a water pistol!”

Sheppard: “Fine. Be that way. I’m late anyway. Gotta finish herding cats.”

A lightbulb suddenly goes off for McKay.
McKay: “Oh oh. I must be hallucinating. Sheppard couldn’t herd a cat to save his life. Why would I be hallucinating? What must be so horrendous that I’d hallucinate this crap?”

INSTRUCTIONS: Put fingers on outer sides of both eyes. Pull back. This will distort your vision, so the next photo looks fuzzy as yes, it’s a flashback sequence. Do it for this photo only. Or longer, if it makes you happy.

Sheppard: “Okay, this mission should be easy.”
Teyla: “As long as you don’t make any comments about the Lemoids’ appearance, we will be to trade with them.”
McKay: “Fine, yes, whatever.”

McKay sort of remembers doing something like remarking, oh, “ohmygod, they’re lemons! Keep them away! They’re poisonous!” or words to that effect.

The Lemoids are really ticked off at McKay. They’re cooking him over a pit of red hot coals with yellow licking flames. And aren’t those special effects just, well, special? And so holiday festive, too! J

Of course, a few are very happy to see Rodney.

Meanwhile, we take a quick trip through the wormhole to another party of the galaxy….

Wraith Queen: “Have you secured the additional drones?”
Wraith: “There is a slight problem.”

Wraith: “Well, you see, they’re still on back-order. We were supposed to have them this month, but the ship date has been pushed back again, but on the other hand, yes, bad pun …”

Wraith: “We have received an overnight package!”
Wraith Queen (pauses dramatically): “It is from – Colonel Sheppard!” (hisses)
Wraith (coughs uncomfortably): “Oh.”
Wraith Queen: “You idiot. I’m not seeing him! You have checked to make sure that this is not a bomb, or a virus, or a year’s subscription to Good Housekeeping?”
Wraith: “Of course.”

The package is opened and the contents revealed, much to their confusion.
Wraith: “They are … Devil Ducks®?”
Wraith Queen: “They are somewhat .. appealing. Too bad they are not edible. What do they do?”
Wraith (reads label): “They float in water.”
Wraith Queen: “Hmm, that could prove … amusing.”

Wraith Queen: “This one is a dud. Try the next!”

The Wraith Queen is not a happy camper. “This one does not float properly either!”

The Wraith Queen screams. “They are all imperfect! What kind of a gift is this?”

Wraith: “There is another problem…”
Wraith Queen: “We have these ducks that do not float. What can be worse that that!”
Wraith: “Er, the Lantean sent the package, um, postage due.”
Wraith Queen: “Sheppard shall die!”

Meanwhile, Rodney’s life hangs in the balance. Will rescue come in time - before he’s well done? Or char-broiled? Did Sheppard really go off to herd cats, and will the Dalek be there when Rodney returns to Atlantis??

But anyway, have a Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, or whatever you prefer. Enjoy!

NOTE: PART 2 is now up at http://wraithfodder.livejournal.com/284507.html


Tags: action figures, parody, photos, stargate atlantis
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