To refresh your memory, check out Part One of this stellar installment of Stargate Atlantis Action Figure Theater, then come back here and proceed.
When we last left Rodney, he was in a pickle. Well, not a real pickle. Our special effects budget is slim, so you’ll have to make due with cranky pseudo-citrus aliens.
Dr. Rodney McKay, utter genius and the only guy who seems to be able to score a data on Atlantis, wonders just how long it will be before Sheppard and the team burst in and rescue him, because if they don’t rescue him soon, he’s going to be the main course of the very angry Lemoids, who, fortunately, can’t decide if they want him rare or well done.
In the miracle of television tale-telling, we cut instantly to Sheppard and Rodney stumbling through the deep, deep snow (no, not Wisconsin) as they flee the cantankerous alien citrus, who must now scrounge their paltry pantries for stale Cheetoes, instead of roasted Rodney.
McKay: “Are you sure they’re not following?”
Sheppard: “Yes, for the hundredth time. Let’s just get to the gate.”
McKay: “Where are Teyla and Ronon? (Sheppard shoots him an evil glare.) Oh, oh, they’ve been left out of the plot once again? Gah, you’d think the writers would be able to pen a few lines of meaningful dialogue for—“
Sheppard: “Crap, McKay. You’ve seen Ronon. He’s as thin as paper. He got wet and all wrinkled and Teyla’s ironing him out. Are you happy?”
McKay (thinks about it): “Strangely, yes.”
And for those that don’t believe that Ronon is wasting away, well, look at this photo!
Okay, back to the plot, and maybe in the meantime Rodney will learn to share powerbars with the poor Satedan… * cough * Um, where were we?? Oh yes…
To celebrate their freedom, the guys do snow angels.
But, soon the joy of playing in the snow and not be pursued by the Lemoids turns into something else…
McKay: “We’re lost, aren’t we?”
Sheppard: “Why would you think that?”
McKay: “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because the snow is up to our chests now??”
Sheppard: “All right, we’ll find a high spot to look around.”
Sheppard: “I’m sure the gate is that way.”
McKay (worried): “You’re sure?”
Sheppard smirks: “Positive!”
The boys trudge through the weird forest of tall stick like things.
McKay: “We’re going to DIE.”
Sheppard: “Yeah, probably when I strangle you. Just can it for a while, will you?.”
Sheppard: “Finally, some peace and quiet … Um, Rodney?”
McKay: “That’s it. We’re lost.”
A deep voice resonates out of nowhere. “You just noticed?”
Sheppard (alarmed): “Who the hell was that?”
McKay: “We’re being followed by a Wraith!”
Sheppard: “I’ll call him Frank.”
McKay: “Forget that! Kill him!”
Sheppard: “Um, no weapons, remember?”
McKay makes bad grumbling noises about weapons still being left in plastic because someone is too lazy about cataloging them.
Frank: “Will you two stop babbling? I’m turning blue from the cold.”
McKay: “Why are you following us?”
Frank thinks. His queen sent him to find the fiendish Sheppard who sent them a postage due package, and to bring them back for horrible torture and then a hideous slow death. “Um, I’m lost too.”
McKay: “Just great!”
Sheppard: “Look, just over the hill. The gate! Let’s go!”
Insert dramatic music as suddenly, the snow gives way and Sheppard tumbles down the hill.
And keeps tumbling.
And Sheppard falls, smacking into ice, rocks and frozen snow. Oh, the pain.
Mckay: “Ohmygawd. I’m a genius physicist who can save the universe, but I can’t deal with bloody twisted limbs.”
Sheppard: “I’m good.”
McKay (off-screen, his voice reaching a very high pitch): “Your leg is twisted all around, and there’s blood everywhere, well, at least in the long shot, but not the closeup. How can THAT be good?!”
Sheppard: "We have to get to the gate and I can't walk. Ouch.
McKay: “I have a bad back from years of sitting hunched in front of a computer.”
Sheppard: “Wow, I am screwed.”
McKay: “Whoa, brilliant idea here!”
Frank: “Why are you looking at ME?”
Sheppard: “This is so humiliating.”
McKay: “Well, are we going to move or what?”
Frank: “You didn’t say the magic word?”
Sheppard: “Um, cheese?”
McKay: “Nobel prize?”
Frank: “ARGH! No, please! Is it too much to ask?”
McKay: "Well, yes."
Sheppard: “I’m good. I’ll walk on this limb despite the excruciating pain which is now totally numbed by the freezing cold.”
We now take a quick commercial break. Just hum “ch-cha-cha-Chia" for twenty seconds. Now back to our regularly scheduled program.
McKay wakes up. He’s dry, he’s warm, but he’s practically up to his waist in some big pot and can’t move. Has he lost his marbles? “What’s going on?”
Frank: “You are now my prisoners! Did you think that we would let such a hideous transgression such as postage due go without retaliation? Fools!”
McKay: “I told them it was a bad idea, but nooooo…. Wait, wait, you’re not Frank. You’re not blue!”
Frank: “I warmed up.”
McKay: “Oh, okay. Wait, where’s Sheppard?” (The scientist is really hoping to be rescued again, you see.)
Frank cackles evilly. “I have taken precautions and sealed your Colonel Sheppard in an extra special protective cage. But, first, I shall torture you hideously! I shall attach an iratus bug to your—“
Sheppard: “Been there, done that.”
Frank: “Oh, then I shall feed on you a bit at a—“
Sheppard: “That’s old hat.”
Frank ponders this latest development. He knew he should have taken Lantean Torture 201 but no, the Queen said he’d have to wait till the first quarter rolled around as the budget for training had been used up for the year.
Frank has found a suitable torture at last.
Sheppard squints at the huge item. “Oh wow, I’m scared.”
Closeup of the evil object. Oh, the horrors, it’s the Baywatch soundtrack!!
Frank suddenly realizes that oops, he forgot to bring the DVD player. Damn! But wait, he has access the internet. “You will suffer horribly before you die, Sheppard.”
Sheppard (yawning off-screen): “Do your best.”
Frank: “I will play this video over and over, ad naseum, again and again, until you beg for mercy.”
Regrettably, Colonel John Sheppard has been trained and tortured by the best. He once got trapped in an elevator for 20 minutes while a horribly sung rendition of Wham’s “Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go” played over and over.
Frank is pissed. “Fine, then you force me to pull out the big guns.”
Frank laughs as he takes a huge box cutter and scores the precious Johnny Cash CD.
Sheppard screams and writhes in sheer horror but he can't escape. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You bastard!! NOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!”
Meanwhile, now that Sheppard is a shattered wreck sobbing sporadically while stuck in a Slinky, I mean, exotic alien cage, Frank moves onto his next target. He has a new weapon to use against McKay.
Frank (Off-screen): “You will inhale the fumes of this exotic purple substance or else!”
McKay: “Or else WHAT?”
Frank: “You can listen to your colonel sobbing hysterically over the ruined Johnny Cash CD for the next 24 hours.”
McKay: “Inhaling! Inhaling! Geez, you drive a hard bargain.”
Frank: “And within a minute, you will tell me everything!”
McKay: “Oh oh.”
McKay waves. “Whoa….”
Things suddenly become a little … strange...
Frank snarls: “You will tell me the gate address to Atlantis!”
McKay is now all mellow. He’s beyond mellow. He’s just ‘out there.’ “Oh wow, this is sooo totally cool, gassy and wow, what big eyes you have, and wow, you look like some anime critter. Chirp for me, big bird! Chirp for me! Oh wow, can I buy you on eBay? Are batteries included?? Whoa, I’m flying and in a straight line, too!”
Frank: “This is not going as planned.”
Elizabeth Weir can’t believe her ears. “And the wraith just ... let you go?”
Teyla is equally suspicious, plus the lame story about ironing Ronon? As if!
Sheppard: “Well, Rodney’s story is a bit off, but we did manage to escape.”
McKay: “Hello? I was not drugged up. You cracked under Cash CD abuse!”
Weir: “And this Wraith Wally World banner?”
Sheppard (coughs): “Well, we paid them back the postage due and the banner is just for a trial period. I mean, hey, the year-end sales are coming up.”
Elizabeth ponders this. She could use some new linens, kitchenware and other doodads which the Daedalus never brings them. “All right. I’ll write up a list and you four go get it.”
McKay: “Okey-doke. You guys coming?”
Sheppard: “Okey-doke? Rodney, I thought Keller cleared you?”
Elizabeth: “Rodney, are you all right?
McKay: “Wow, Elizabeth, you’ve really got a bloodshot eye.”
Sheppard: “Great, he’s still stoned. See, didn’t I tell you all that crap about me caving under a carved-up Johnny Cash CD was crap?”
McKay just stares off into the distance, totally oblivious to the fact that the gate’s horizon has morphed into a 70’s style fisheye view of London…
Teyla: “I believe that Rodney is still, as Jennifer called it, ‘stoned to the gills.”
McKay (off-screen): “And you sure know, my pretty little fishy. Wow, you’d look great on a bed of rice.”
Sheppard (off-screen): “Teyla, don’t kill him.”
Teyla: “I shall resist the tremendous urge.”
McKay (off-screen): “Wow, Ronon, you’ve become a cockeral!”
Ronon seethes: “What did you call me?”
Sheppard (off-screen) quickly interjects: “A rooster, a big bird.”
McKay (off-screen): “Geez, big guy, don’t get your feathers in an ruffle.”
McKay ignores his teammates, who have turned in various animals, and instead ponders the universe. “Oooh, my legs look short. Oooh.”
Weir just groans when Zelenka calls her on the radio. Something about Rodney having ‘futzed’ with the life support systems. Oh boy.
Disclaimer: Psychedelic image snerched from oh, darn, lost the link. A UK newspaper site..... And bloody SPX by Smuckers.