wraithfodder (wraithfodder) wrote,
wraithfodder
wraithfodder

Stargate Atlantis: "Moon of the Weresheep" (fanfic, sorta)

Brand-new movies for the Stargate Atlantis cast. Yes, it’s true! Well, no, it’s not, but after watching “Yeti” on the Sci Fi Channel today, I realized … wow, any birdbrain can write a movie! So, here are some just  fantastic* new movie plots that I’m sure Skiffy will jump at in an instance! I’ve even taken the liberty of casting the parts, just so Skiffy doesn’t muck it up. And aren’t the Stargate Atlantis folk looking for work? How could they pass up gems like this??

MOON OF THE WERESHEEP

Shunned by his fellow sheep ranchers when he tells the tale of a hideous creature that devoured his flock, Carl Shaefer is now a loner, living at the edge of the canyon metting out a pathetical existence selling fake moon rocks on eBay. When other ranchers’ flocks are soon torn apart in a bloody rampage in the tiny town of Whibly, anger turns toward Carl, whose mysterious past as a mess hall cook in the Army just makes him darn suspicious in everybody else’s eyes because he has over 100 recipes for lambchops. Only Fred, the crazy ex-stockbroker turned gold mine prospector and who lives in a cave with his pet squirrel Beep, believes Carl’s fantastic tale. Making matters worse, the annual Whibly Wool Festival is just days away, and Ralph Parsons, Whibly’s mayor and head honcho of the festival, is determined not to scare off potential attendees.

 

Meanwhile, the story of the ‘weresheep’ has spread over Twitter and is now being investigated by Taylor Meane, a beautiful but intelligent tabloid reporter, who is determined to ferret out the truth and who is also oddly attracted to Carl’s wild hair, which is as untamed as the man himself. Complicating matters is Jack, Taylor’s ex-boyfriend and rabid marketing guru, who plans to thwart Carl’s and Fred’s plot to capture and destroy the supernatural sheep, because he knows if he captures it alive, he can tame it and make a show out of it for the CW.

 

CAST: Carl: Joe Flanigan. Fred: David Hewlett. Taylor: Rachel Luttrell. Jack: Jason Momoa. Ralph: Peter DeLuise. Ralph’s brother: David DeLuise. Ralph’s cousin: the other DeLuise brother. Ralph’s dad: Dom DeLuise. First victim of sheep: Winner of SciFi’s ‘be a star!’ contest.

 

And the reviews are in!

 

“Baaaaaaaaahhhhhdddd!” decries the Baahston Globe.

 

“EEEEEEEEEEEEEEwwwwwwwwwwweeeeeeeeeeee,” said an unnamed critic on a cute sheep blog. “I know for a fact that sheep don’t contain that much blood. And eight inches fangs? Puh-lease!”

 

“Fantastic! A one of a kind movie!” declared Fred Jones, who also reminded SciFi to send the Battlestar Galactica toaster and Starbuck’s Cylon coffee cup to the PO box address (no, no, not a briber, never….)

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

YECHI!

Centuries ago, travelers spoke of the Yechi, a mythical beast, half-man, half-raccoon, which wandered the mountains, devouring unwary humans, but not before driving them insane with its constant whining shriek.

 

A group of desperate jobseekers, enticed by a mysterious ad for the job of a lifetime, find themselves on a plane that crashes out in the snowy, rocky wilderness, hundreds of miles from the nearest fast food chain. With the pilots dead, the luggage lost when the plane fell apart, the motley group of survivors must band together, tossing aside suspicions and burning resumes to stay warm until help can find them.

 

Their numbers soon dwindle when the Yechi attacks, yet Shannon, the plucky and exotic stewardess, is able to fend it off with Molatov Cocktails constructed of mini liquor bottles. She must hold the group together, including Peter Crystal, a fast-talking, smarmy SUV salesman whose wife Jennifer refuses to give up their lavish lifestyle; Rick Swell, former rockstar and TV hair product spokesman, whose career went to ruin when the Gorgeous Swell® hair gel had a production problem and instead made thousands of women bald, and lastly, David Masters, former copier/office machine repairman who had a breakdown after his wife died in a tragic and very bloody paper shredder repair accident. Also trying out for the fantastic job were the five-man Red Grizzlies Mime group, known for their colorful antics and red attire, but after a disastrous mishap with burning chopsticks on live TV, they found themselves unemployable.

 

When the Yechi makes off with the Mime group and nobody realizes it until the next morning when they find chewed-upon toe bones scattered everywhere, the survivors all realize that they must destroy the Yechi before it eats them all. A risky plot involving the Gorgeous Swell gel, which Rick brought along for some mysterious reason, and David’s knowledge of office equipment that can kill, may be all that stands in their way of certain death.

 

CAST: Shannon: Rachel Luttrell. David: Joe Flanigan. Peter: David Hewlett. Shannon: Rachel Luttrell. Rick: Jason Momoa. Pilot: Robert Picardo. Red Mime Leader: Dan Shea. Red Mime #2: Kavan Smith. Red Mime #3: David Nykl. Red Mime #4: Gary Jones. Red Mime #5: Ben Browder. Jennifer: Torri Higginson. And Christopher Heyerdahl as the Yechi.

 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

 

And lastly…

 

ATTACK OF THE LICHENS

The tropical retreat of Yaga-taga is hosting its annual Spring Break festivities. Swaying palm trees, secluded huts and gorgeous blue water make this tropical paradise the perfect spot for high school students having one last fling before going off to college or a job at the local burger franchise. It is also a place for a horrible death, as the class of 2009 soon discovers.

 

Jack Reston inherited the Yaga-taga Resort Hotel from his father. His degree in business administration serves him well, but he’d rather be out on the beach with Tawny Sharpe, the attractive sports manager of the resort. The problem is she only has eyes for his old brother, Sean, who shirks his duties in the office to teach guests how to surf and scuba dive and hobnob with old Army pal Stuart Miller, who is trying to entice Sean off the island to open up a surfboard emporium.

 

Meanwhile, biology teacher Dr. James River is trying to study the local fauna and also perform his chaperone duties, when he makes the startling and horrifying discovery within the jungle of a form of prehistoric and carnivorous lichen. It wouldn’t be so bad it the lichen was petrified, but after devouring the Chihuahua which fellow chaperone Sylvia Schenck brought along, the lichen multiples and grows to horrendous – and hungry – proportions.

 

Jack must contend with missing students, a swarm of jellyfish surrounding the island, and a sudden staff strike led by George Pears, disgruntled lead waiter of the hotel dining staff. Topping off his already bad day is Rivers warning him of prehistoric peril and certain doom if they don’t flee the island, and the lonely Sylvia trying to seduce him.

 

Can Jack and Sean put aside their lust for Tawny and save the hotel guests, while settling the wait staff dispute, and will Dash Muldoon, their only pilot, get back to the island in time to save his friends from a horrific demise?

 

CAST: Sean: Joe Flanigan. Jack: Kavan Smith. Dr. Rivers: David Hewlett. Tawny: Rachel Luttrell. Dash: Jason Momoa. George: David Nykl. Sylvia: Torri Higginson. Stuart: Michael Shanks. Beach Guest #1: Robert Picardo. Beach Guest #2: Cliff Simon.

 

.-----------------------------

And it's more like crackfic than fanfic ;)-
Tags: fanfic, stargate atlantis
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