Okay, a day late, a dollar short, but face it, the day after a holiday is usually dull, so you need something to perk you up. What better way than the inanity of Stargate Atlantis Action Figure Theater! Regrettably, I still do not have series 3 action figures, so if Ronon’s and Keller’s performances seem a little flat, well, can’t do much about it. ;)
John Sheppard is one happy camper. He’s so excited he’d be jumping up and down. You see, yes, finally… he’s got a gun.
Sheppard: “I could have used this P-90 in the last episode when a bunch of poofy marshmallows beat the snot out of me.” (see episode #601).
In fact, he’s so happy that he’s totally forgotten precisely WHAT day it is… this will not bode well.
Elizabeth: “Colonel? …. John?
Sheppard is daydreaming about shooting Wraith and iratus bugs, no no, not those, well, maybe those geese things that flew over the jumper bay and crapped all over the windshields. Man, what a mess.
Elizabeth: “I said, do you, um, have anything planned for today?”
Sheppard: “Kill some wraith, I suppose.”
Sheppard: “Yeah, you know, the usual, go out, kill some wraith, get into trouble. I mean, it’s not like today is a special day or anything—“
Sheppard suddenly finds a giant tiki bucket on his head.
Sheppard: “I never see these things coming.”
He wonders if it’s, uh, that time of the month for Elizabeth?? No matter, he’s hungry. He heads toward the mess hall.
Sheppard makes a mental note to talk to whoever is in charge of the mess to do something about all this pink food. But, it’s the only king-sized donut left, so he’d better grab it.
Teyla suddenly appears, armed with her bantos rods.
Sheppard: “Uh, hi, Teyla.”
Teyla: “John. If you do not mind, I will take this last donut.”
Sheppard (his stomach grumbles): “Hey, how about we cut it in half?”
Teyla ponders this suggestion. If she did not have to feed Kanan and the baby with this donut… no, it was hers. Besides, she knows that just like in the show, this is IT for her appearance. She might as well enjoy the donut.
The donut is gone, and Sheppard is flattened on the ground, bantos rods scattered atop him.
Sheppard: “Yeah, must be THAT time of the month…”
He decides he’ll check on what Rodney is doing.
McKay: “What the hell happened to you?”
Sheppard: “Um, nothing. Uh, got beat up by a wraith.”
McKay (Off-screen): “Oh, get real. You forgot Valentine’s Day, didn’t you?
Sheppard suddenly gets it. All the pink stuff, the red hearts plastered everywhere. He just figured maybe Elizabeth was redecorating. Hadn’t there been some e-mail?? Geez, what did she expect? He’s a guy!
Sheppard: “So, what do you have there?
McKay: “Oh, just some chocolates from Jennifer.”
McKay opens up the package.
McKay: “I’d offer you one, but there’s only enough for ME.”
McKay can’t help but rub it in Sheppard’s face, seeing as how Sheppard hasn’t gotten zip.
McKay: “I even got this great card!”
McKay (off-screen): “See, she loves me!”
Sheppard (off-screen): “Oh yeah, she’s so sure she wrote it on a post-it.”
McKay (off-screen): “Plus she gave me these sweet little candies declaring her undying love!”
Sheppard just thinks this is too much like grade school, and can only end badly. Just like those Lifetime movies with whacko stalkers.
Sheppard decides to leave McKay and his box of precious chocolates and runs into Ronon.
Sheppard: “Hey, big guy, where are you going? What’s all that?”
Ronon: “Hey, Sheppard. Just going to see uh, Banks. You know, candy, stuffed toy, some sex liquor stuff.”
Sheppard coughs at the last mention. Damn, is everybody getting action but him? “Oh, uh. Okay.”
Ronon: “By the way, the PX was wiped clean of gifts.”
The Satedan quickly leaves before Sheppard realizes he’s totally screwed.
But before Sheppard goes into a panic cuz there are no gifts left on base to give Elizabeth, Keller shows up.
Keller: “Have you seen Rodney?”
Sheppard: “He’s probably scarfing down all that chocolate you sent him.”
Keller (suddenly suspicious): “I didn’t send him any chocolate.”
Sheppard blathers on: “Oh? He’s got this big box of candy, those stupid candies and a card from someone.”
Keller glares. She can’t believe it.Rodney is two-timing her! The rat! Typical man! Stupid geek! She's going to find Rodney and wring his neck.
Sheppard dragoons Ronon into helping him find Rodney, before Keller does, cuz he really doesn’t want to waste time breaking in a new geek scientist team-member if Keller kills him. Or worse, drives him insane with incessant whining.
Ronon: “Well, he’s not in his lab.”
Sheppard looks around, spies odd little items on the counter. “Hmm, what are those?”
There is a collection of candy hearts with nasty little sayings, like “die!” and “low IQ”.
Ronon: “Wow, someone hates him.”
Sheppard: “Eh, probably from Zelenka and the rest of the scientists.”
Sheppard and Ronon follow a trail of the killer candies to a strange portal in a little used section of the lab. Sheppard decides they should go through.
Gratutious butt shot, just because it can be done! ;)
They go through the portal and find a surreal environment in which someone obviously does not like Rodney. Geez, the suspects will be endless!
But then again, going further, they find further evidence of a love-hate thing. Sheppard ponders suspects. No, wait, Carter is back on Earth.
Sheppard: “Hey, Ronon, lend me a hand here.” And abruptly he gets what he asked for. “Oh crap. That’s it, next year, we’re going to get captured by Wraith and avoid all this sentimental mush.”
Meanwhile, McKay is in a sorry state. He’s been captured by an obsessed stalker.
McKay: “I don’t love you! I never did! It was a one-night fling. I told you that! I love Jennifer!”
Dave the Demented Dalek : “Noooo, I luv you, Rodney. You are my world. You WILL love me.”
McKay snorts: “Get real. I was just toying with you.” (har hard, bad pun)
Dave: “Ha-ha-ha-ha! You are mine! There is no competition. Look at the floor!”
McKay (in horror): “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
McKay is horrified. Jennifer has been chopped into tiny little pieces. Oh, the horror! “You bastard!” cries McKay. “You know I suck at jigsaw puzzles. I’ll never get her back together!”
Suddenly, out of nowhere, Sheppard arrives to save the day. Unfortunately he lost his P90 somewhere, so he’s forced to use what’s conveniently lying around. He throws a humongous Happy Face ball at the Dalek.
Dave the demented Dalek is crushed under the weight of the Happy Face ball, which also sucks all the evilness out of Dave, thus rendering him inert.
Sheppard approaches McKay: “Are you okay, Rodney?”
McKay yelps. “Just cuz this dumb sign says ‘hug me’ doesn’t mean you can. And don’t even think of kissing me! Bad enough Dav-- er, that fiendish alien I have never met before, was sticking its probiscus all over me.”
Sheppard: “You mean that thing that looks like a toilet plunger?"
McKay: "I'm gonna need therapy."
Now that McKay has been rescued from the evil clutches of the demented Dalek, Sheppard can make amends with Elizabeth over forgetting the dumb valentine day stuff.
Sheppard: “Um, here you go. Happy Valentine's.”
Elizabeth: “It’s lovely, and so… big.”
Sheppard (smugly): “Well, hey, it’s the least I can do.”
But seconds later the giant rose knocks down Elizabeth and proceeds to gnaw her face off. Sheppard thinks that maybe, just maybe… Sheppard thinks back to where he procured the famished flower…
Sure it had warnings but everything has warnings. Don’t turn left. Don’t microwave, etc. etc. Sheppard thought it was just one of those dumb lawyer things like ripping that tag off mattresses. Ooops. The name Triffid* sure sounded familiar though…
And just like in the show, we segue to the next scene and forget all about Teyla and her donut, Keller being hacked to death, and Weir being eaten by a giant carnivorous rose.
Sheppard and McKay decide to relax with the candy.
McKay: “Should we feel guilty about eating this candy?”
Sheppard pauses. “Nah. Elizabeth won’t be able to eat this for at least a month until Beckett finishes patching her up. Teyla ate that whole donut herself. Uh, and um, Keller.”
McKay ogles his candy. “Who? Oh, I mean, yes, terribly sad thing. I will drown my sorrows in chocolate. And dark chocolate, cuz you know, it's healthy..."”
Just a silly picture. Doesn't Rodney just look so 'get me out of here?'
And, here are some outtakes of when the production was halted due to a intruder on the set. Eegads!
* Triffid. Man-eating alien space plants from the movies Day of the Triffids.