Title: McKay's Revenge
Rating: PG for some language and violence
Spoilers: Um, for casting in season 4 but really, does anybody NOT know? Ground.
Status: Complete, gen, black humor
Synopsis: You can only push a brilliant scientist so far before he snaps…
NOTES: A slapdash piece of fanfic in response to the latest casting news on season 4. If the show’s writers can use bad plot devices, then so can I!
Rodney was so anxious that he wasn't even able to drink the cup of steaming coffee sitting on his lab counter. No, he only had an exact time window in which to execute the plan, one which, by anyone's standards, was diabolical, but it had to be done.
His prey arrived.
"Rodney, I've gone over this report and," Colonel Samantha Carter said, pointing exactly at a datapad in her hand. She set the device down on the counter, continuing her annoying pointing like a hunting dog zeroing in on a shot duck. "You're missing data, here, and here."
It was now or never. "Well, yes."
"Yes? Is that all you have to say for yourself, Rodney?" Carter studied him like a lesser life form, or worse, someone not capable of even spelling MENSA. "Whatever happened to the genius who knew everything?"
Rodney gritted his teeth, forcing a very fake smile across his tired face. "I've been busy, on a new discovery, in fact."
"And you didn't think you should apprise me of this?" Carter now reminded him of a grade three teacher who hadn’t liked that he knew more than she did. "You know the regulations, Rodney."
"Yes, yes," he muttered, turning toward the counter and grabbing a small rectangular object off the counter. He turned back to Carter, then plopped the item in her hand. Carter's face wrinkled in disgust. She picked up the smooth metallic item. "A paperweight?"
Rodney huffed. He couldn't help himself. "Don't be absurd. I don't waste my time on inconsequential objects. I think it's an incredible find."
"Then--" Carter stopped. A second later, an odd hum filled the air. She quickly motioned to put the item down but it was too late. A large, black 'rip' suddenly popped into the room. She never even had time to scream as she was sucked into the frightening fold of space, which then, with an audible pop, snapped out of existence.
"Oh my god," Rodney muttered.
Oh god, he'd gone and done it. He sent Carter into a black hole to god knows where. A couple months ago, the thought would have been unfathomable, as he'd thought she was the best thing since Tim Horton's Timbits(R). Yet after serving under her (what a laugh) he realized what a stickler for details she was, and that she could not bend the rules to get results. And if he heard her counter one of his arguments with that damn 'with all due respect one more time,' he wouldn't be responsible for his actions.
And she'd said that phrase that very morning in the mess hall line, right before she grabbed the last blueberry muffin out from under his grasp.
A man had his limits. He could live with life-sucking wraiths, but not that. Not with stealing a man's food.
The coffee cup next to his hand was nearly knocked over when he jerked in surprise. He yelped as the hot liquid slightly scalded his hand.
Sheppard came into the lab, looking around. "Is Carter in here?"
"No, why would you think that?" He squeezed his slightly burned hand.
The colonel's eyes narrowed ever so slightly, then he shut the door. He pulled up one of the high stools and sat down. "Thank god. She wanted to see me about the manner in which I submit my reports. AGAIN."
"Oh," squeaked Rodney.
"What is wrong with you?" Sheppard abruptly sat up straight like a signpost, staring at the counter - and specifically, at the out-of-place item on top. "That's Carter's datapad." The colonel's head swiveled around like an animal searching out a predator, then he looked under the counter.
"She's not hiding under there!" Rodney spat.
"I'm just checking. I mean in the beginning you two..." began Sheppard.
"Oh puhlease," Rodney crossed his arms defiantly. "I'm seeing Katie Brown. Sam is no more than a distant memory."
"Huh?" Sheppard's brows drew down in puzzlement.
"Uh, well, you know what I mean."
Sheppard was staring at him like he could read his mind. Like he could see the guilt, the planning, the calculations and how he'd stayed up all night to make the plan work...
"That datapad is practically glued to her," accused Sheppard. "What's going on?"
God, did that come out as a high-pitched 'you caught me - I got rid of Carter' squeak of guilt??
The stool shoved back with an annoying fingernails-down-the-chalkboard squeal and suddenly Sheppard was in his face. "McKay, what did you do?"
"Nothing, I... I.... she took my muffin!!"
Sheppard stared at him in complete dumbfounded silence for a minute, a very long nerve-wracking minute. "Please tell me you did not kill Carter over a stupid muffin."
"Well, let me rephrase that," Sheppard said, his voice showing his strain. "You didn't kill Carter, did you? Having to rewrite your reports eight times is not an excuse for homicide."
"She's not dead."
Sheppard coughed, then forced his own tight smile. "But...."
"I sent her through a black hole."
A swarm of flies could have easily flown into Sheppard's mouth as his jaw practically unhinged. "You did what?"
"Months! Months of her holier-than-thou always smiling nitpicking my work! Making me stay behind while she goes out on missions with our team. For God's sake, she rearranged Elizabeth's office!"
"A black hole?" Sheppard shook his head. "I saw her half an hour ago. What? Where..." he sputtered.
"No wonder you didn't join MENSA," snapped Rodney, ignoring the ugly stare directed at him. "Remember that dig on PL7 3H4 three weeks ago?"
"Hard not to," Sheppard said with a grimace. "Carter came along. You two spent an hour arguing over translations."
"I'd like to forget that." Boy, would he ever. Even Ronon and Teyla had looked pained and even embarrassed while having to endure the two scientists squabbling, and then Carter had had the gall to PULL rank. "But that 'useless' object I insisted on bringing back."
"The paperweight?" guess Sheppard.
"Yes!" Rodney figured he should take some time off to de-stress after this mess, of course, it might be in jail, but maybe he could deal with it. "Anyway, it's actually a Pletian Linear Open Time device, which I was able to translate from the language that Carter said read something else. It's capable of opening a rift in time, almost like a portable black hole, and I, I... I put the device in Carter's hand and..."
Okay, he was dead. Dead man walking. Jail time. Life imprisonment.
"It activated and she's...?" continued Sheppard, who stared at him very oddly.
"Yes." He hoped they served good food in jail, at least some equivalent to airline food, not that you got much of that these days.
"What a horrible... accident," Sheppard managed to utter in a most sympathetic tone.
Rodney just blinked. Okay, maybe he'd waited too long and had snapped already.
"The base is safe, right?" Sheppard continued, looking around. "It happened here?" Rodney nodded mutely as Sheppard gestured at the lab area surrounding him. "Okay, damn. Uh, wait, can we get her back?"
Get her back?? "Uh..."
"I'll take that as a no, right?" Sheppard began to pace. "Damn, you know, this was bound to happen."
Oh god, was 'I'm going to kill Carter' that obviously plastered on his face??
"I mean, throughout all the briefings, the missions, it was pretty obvious Carter was out of her element. After all, straight from Earth, takes over the base, and she's had no field experience at all in the Pegasus Galaxy so doesn't know the dangers, not like we know them, and it's not like I intentionally look for them, they just happen, you know?"
Rodney nodded, not sure what Sheppard was grabbing at.
"Crap, the paperwork will be tough, but accidents happen."
Sheppard grabbed McKay by the upper arm - "You're in shock. I'm taking you down to the infirmary" - and dragged him out of the lab, then abruptly stopped in the hallway. "You okay?"
Rodney really didn't know what to say.
"Look, like you said, she's not dead. She's not, uh..." Sheppard winced. "In pain or anything?"
"No, it'll be like she's asleep, but she's not dead and there actually is a second device that can--" Sheppard's hand suddenly slapped over his mouth.
"If I don't know, I can't tell. It was a tragic accident, McKay, and we're all shocked and, whatever but we'll get through."
Rodney knocked Sheppard's hand away. "You mean you don't care? You APPROVE of what I did?"
"Cripes, Rodney, you think you're the only one who's had a hard time since Elizabeth was sent back to Earth?" Sheppard shot back. "At least you get picked on for science stuff, I get 'this report needs to be redone' all the time and she always smiles when she says that, and if we have a bad mission--"
"When we screw up?"
"The Pegasus Galaxy is one big screw-up, Rodney," cut in Sheppard. "And I've written and rewritten more reports since Carter came here than in all the time that Elizabeth was here. Had every mission second-guessed..."
"So, uh, what are you going to do?"
"Well..." Sheppard tapped his comm. "Security and Dr. Zelenka to McKay's lab immediately. We've had an accident." He turned back to Rodney, whose legs felt like Jello. "We mourn the loss of a brilliant scientist, but heck, we've still got you."
Ohthankgodhewasn'tgoingtojail. Wait a darn minute! "Excuse me, what does that mean?"
"It means we can actually now get some work done around here without having to do everything twice over and write a gazillion reports."
"Oh, well, I'm okay with that."
Sheppard shrugged. "Besides, I could see this was building. I heard about the muffin incident this morning, so I'm really not so surprised."
"It was blueberry," Rodney said sadly.
THE END (aren't you glad?)